Synthetic Ego

It is done...

2008-01-27T14:19:00.000+11:00

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louise L'Amour

That's it. I'm done.
Thanks...It's been one hell of a ride.

This is my 200th post, it will also be my last on this Blog.

I've been going through my post history deleting these posts one at a time and I realized just how much I covered on here. In my mind this was always a sex Blog but after writing about all the stuff I needed to share there were far more of my life on show then I had thought, and you guys were here to share along in it.

Changing my job and my location, my competitive bodybuilding career, sex, sex and sex. My battle with cancer and my battle to find myself.

But now that's done. When I started this blog I was closeted, alone, misguided and looking to find my place. I used it as a place where I could be out and honest and truthful to myself while existing in a life which was all about half truth.

I am now living my life in honesty and of the moment. This is part of reason I no longer need the outlet of this Blog. Whilst the journey to find my place continues I can close off this part of my life knowing that the dreams I had when it started have now become part of my life.

I have made many tremendous contacts and many great friends through this blog. Relationships that I hope will continue on into my continued adventures in my Emerald City.

This Blog at times achieved a notoriety that sent over 30,000 people to its address per month. This is an amazing number to me and beyond even my wildest expectations. And whilst is was fun and what I needed in the past, over the last few months every time I came to write a post for Synthetic Ego the wrong things came out.

No longer were my posts about sex and boys and muscle. They became about equality, justice, homophobia, violence towards gays and politics. I never posted these thoughts as these issues deserved more respect then as a side bar to another muscle fuck. But as I get more of the 'stuff' that I wanted I can see that there is far more important issues for us to deal with.

The apathy that I had in the face of my own personal journey has made way for a silent rage at the barrage of inequities that we all face as Gay, Lesbian, Transgender and Bisexual people. Our sexuality is not a choice but our silent acceptance of the modern reality is. I can no longer choose this acceptance. Hence I move on from this blog.

And this is it. This is the end of my sexcapades, Narcissus style...

But not before a big thank you to everyone who read along, left comments or laughed at my intended humor and my not intended humor (hell, Ill take it anyway I can get it...). Thank you for coming along and letting me feel like I was being listened to, that my stories had interest and were relatable and were real. Everything that I wrote on this blog was the truth of my life and you'all stuck around to share that. You didn't judge, you sent your support when I was down or lost, you made the last two years quite a ride. And I doubt I would be the kinda guy I am today without the input and influence you have all had along the way.

Thanks to everyone in Blogland that linked to me, that always felt nice.

So now its time to press the magic "Publish" button and finish my fairwell... beginning is always the hardest thing to do.

Love,
NarcussusAU

At the gym...

2007-09-15T22:45:00.000+10:00

Oh and one thing I did forget to mention was my gym session today at Citygym. I've made a few changes to my appearance lately and obviously as I get closer to comp time I'm starting to look pretty lean (and with a great fake tan too!)

Well the ultimate result of all this change is that I was getting quite a few stares at the gym....so much so that my coach thought it was funny enough to mention.

"Your getting all of the attention today aren't you?" He laughed as yet another guy almost walked into a pole checking me out.
"Yeah its been happening alot recently. The guys at the front desk think its hillarious how all the girls are talking about me at my other gym!" I responded, head visably expanding.
"Yeah, but its not the girls looking at you here!!" He laughed heartily, "Your not worried about it are you? They're all pretty harmless..." He said indicating towards the guys in the gym.
I smiled....

Quit and at home...

2007-09-15T22:34:00.000+10:00

So here I am, its a Saturday night and I'm sitting here in my apartment just relaxing. And I love it.
Just being by myself and doing nothing. Such an amazing thing, such an amazing feeling. For a long time all I've had is things to do and places to go.... right now Im looking at tomorrow thinking that beyond the gym, there is nothing I have to do...
Im thinking I might go to the city, maybe go to the contemporary museum... Something different and interesting and very Sydney.

Because I can.

And I know thats not very sexy, and perhaps a bit boring compared to the more graphic stories that I tell here...but its what I feel like doing.
Alternatively I could just stay on my couch and watch DVDs all day. And I haven't don't that in over a year!!
(Doing nothing is something I have to work at... not something that I can just do)

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my! Part three

2007-09-12T23:49:00.000+10:00

The game began, a tug of war. Mano a mano, him staring eye to eye him waiting for me to flinch. I just stared back, my eyebrow raised in a 'is that all you have?' kinda look.
He pulled harder, and I just looked back at him. His smile ever increasing. "This is fuking amazing" he said as he dug down low and really stretch my sack to the limits. Finally my knees gave and I started to yelp. Aw Aw Aw Aw!! Ah, I can take it like a man...but broken I whine like a injured dog...
He quickly strips the strapping off my package and sucks my hard cock into his mouth. I'm standing in the middle of the living room watching this muscle man, on his knees, sucking my cock down until his chin pushed back on my balls in the wall of mirrors which panel the far wall of the room. (Don't worry, aesthetically it actually worked really well and wasn't as tacky as it sounds in description)
So anyway, Im watching this guy's huge, broad, flaring back swoop up and down onto my pulsing rock hard cock. I grab his head and work his mouth over my cock, fucking his face in and out. Spit starts to overflow his mouth and run down his chin. I stoop down and grab his nipples, using the leverage to pull him to his feet. We kiss again, his heavily moistened mouth tasted both of him and me as our hands ran over and over our pecs, arms and capped delts. Two dudes messing around like dudes. It was fuking hot.
We sit down next to each other and just disappear into each other as we caress bodies and suck each other's tongues. He starts to get a bit distracted, I could feel him pulling away from me like something was wrong.... He looks at me and then his watch.
"We have to finish by 6. I have dinner plans." I roll my eyes, makes sense. At least I would get to eat soon. That's me, always looking for the silver lining. "I didn't think this would be so hot. I didn't even think you would turn up!!" which is true, Internet hook ups very rarely work out. I gave him kudos for the way he handled it. I could have been offended, but really, Why?
"Thats cool" I said. That's when I went off to the toilet... by the time I got back he had his jeans on and was sipping from his glass of water.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a very direct way.
"God man, I hope we can finish this off sometime, but I have plans." He said in a pained voice. It all matched in with what I'd seen so far. This guy was a total babe but couldn't see it, a hot muscle dude who doesn't think he's buff. He didn't think that I would turn up, and yet again he would be stood up. He also couldn't believe that a guy my age would want to play with a guy his age. Pretty standard low self esteem stuff. I guess he'd already thought that I wouldn't be interested enough to get pass whatever 'base' we had made it to on the couch.
"Nah uh mate." I replied. "Not after all this, my balls will be so blue and sore...."
"Okay, Well get you off then..." he said putting his drink down.
"Fuck that. Get your pants off, we're both getting off right now."
The grin on his face was priceless. Like a kid at Christmas.
I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pushed him onto his bed which was down the hall. In a second I had his jeans off and was going to town on his cock which was quickly reacting to the new plan.
He was on his back and I was on all fours over him attacking his cock with great delight. His hands made their way down my arched back as they wrapped around my torso. He grabbed at my dick and balls working them together to create a rocket wave of pleasure ridding up my spine.
He got faster and so did I. I could feel him quivering and his body get tighter. His muscles swelled and flexed as his body took over and started to jerk and spasm. I pull off his cock and chomp down on his nipples while pulling at his cock with my fist. He let out a god almighty moan as one last spasm tensed his whole body and warm milky cum pumped vigorously out his cock and over my pumping fist.
The slight sheen of sweat now covering his body made his smooth skin slick as he rolled around and climbed atop of my now prone body. We had swapped places as he went to work on my cock balls and thighs. Gently and hard, fast and slow all over the place. He knew what he was doing. On the edge and held there I look at him as he again sucked just the very head of my massively bulging and throbbing cock into his mouth to yet again slide his tongue over my blood engorged glans.
"Dude, Im going to cum. And if you don't back away your going to drown" I warned him. With his mouth so close to my cock, and my cock so close to exploding I wanted him to know what he was in for.
One last pull of my balls and away I went. The first shot sailed up and splashed against his lips. He pulled back as volley after volley pulsed out of my cock and landed on my chest, on the bed and ultimately over my head onto the wall and bed head. "oh shit" was all he could say through the laughing as he watched my cum fly. "Holy shit!"

As the waves passed I rolled my head back to see my cum rolling down his plush bed head. "oh shit, sorry!" apologizing for the mess I had made. "I warned you. I shoot big! Its always messy...."
"Fucking don't worry about that, that was amazing. I've never seen anything like it"
"but then again, you are young"
Argh.... Next he'll be calling me boy again!

Clean up, clothes and out of there.... Just the way I like to leave it.

Hitting the wall....

2007-09-12T10:10:00.001+10:00

Wow. I really flogged myself at the gym yesterday. It was Hams and Gluts day and I smashed em, smashed em good! You can always tell when I am a) not in the mood to work out and b) going to fuck myself up because of it when I walk into the gym with my iPod blasting in my ears.
Normally I don't like iPods in the gym, I find them antisocial and kinda distracting.... But sometimes I just need to get some very loud music blasting my inner ear to stop the voices in my head from saying: "that's okay, your done...just go home" "your so tired how can you do any more?"....
Yesterday I wore my iPod.
Today I am sore and hobbling around the office, everyone here knows what that means. I keep getting high fives from the other managers.

It also meant that when I got home last night, there was a short detour via the shower to my bed. I was asleep before my body had left vertical. Unfortunately that means I didn't get to add the next instalment with my lycra muscle man.

Tonight Ill be adding more.... this guy was so damn hot. It gave me plenty to write about.

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my! Part Deux

2007-09-10T23:38:00.000+10:00

We sink into each other on the deep coach. Stripping clothes and exploring our bodies. Im still at my beefy stage, so my arms are thick and my pecs sit firm and heavy on my broad chest. His body is tight and lean, smooth all over and perfectly tanned from the sun.
I have my hair pulled back, he comments as he reaches around and pulls the elastic out of my hair "I love a guy with long hair" and with that my hair falls forward and over my face. He brushes my hair to one side like a silk curtain and kisses me gently on the lips. The gentleness of his touch surprises me in comparison to the aggressiveness we had just attacked each other with. It was nice, I smiled.
"Your such a sweat boy" he smiled back.

I hate being called 'boy'. Im not 12.
I tell him that. He blushes.

I stand in front of the couch and pull at his legs, dragging his hips to the front of the seat and slumping him down into the depths of the cushions. I get down on my knees and suck his half hard cock into my mouth. I run my tongue around the head of his cock in my mouth, wetting it all over. I start to suck and twist, pulling down on his balls and thrusting up and down on his now rock hard cock. I can feel the detail of his veins on my tongue as they gorge with blood. His head rolls back to rest on the back of the couch. He stars up at the ceiling with his eyes somewhere in the back of his head. "Oh GOD" was all he groaned over and over as his hips made slight, almost undetectable undulations under the weight of my torso heavily pressed on his pelvis, locking him to the couch.

I start to run my hands up and down his smooth, muscle bulging thighs gently caressing his baby smooth skin. The tips of my fingers gently stroke at the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. The electricity of my gentle touch on such a sensitive area is not lost on his body as his cock jerks inside my mouth as I continue to suck in and out, around and around on his throbbing member. No words come from his mouth anymore, just groaning/gurgling sounds. Getting a guy this turned on makes me so damn hot. I love it when a guy is enjoying himself so much he just releases control and takes what Im giving to him.

I reach up and gently run my fingers around his nipples, feeling the pulses in his cock. I flick at them playfully and then grab them, pinching down on each one with an aggressive twist. His hips jerk up off the couch and thrust his cock to the hilt in my mouth. (Funny how I lost my gag reflex ages ago, when I first started with this whole gay sex malarky that move would of left me gagging back the chunder! But now? Nothing...) Anyway, the painful assault on his nipples and the resulting tightening of his balls brings him back to the moment and he stands up in front of me.
"So thats how you like to play it?" He said with a glint. "You have no idea" I replied while standing to meet his gaze man to man. He reaches out and squeezes at my balls. Not a gentle squeeze but a steadily increasing pressure to test my limits. My eyebrow goes up in the way it only does when something is really getting me going.
"Oh really?" he says, suddenly realising that Im not all goodness and light and pretty muscle boy.
"You might be surprised" he adds bending down to strip the shoelace from his boot. He takes the string and nooses it around my balls, figure eights it and loops it around my thickly muscled thigh. He pulls it all tight and starts to pull up on the string, pulling my balls down and down stretch them to the limit.

And as any long term reader of this Blog will know, my balls are the keys to the castle.

Meanwhile...

2007-09-08T23:28:00.000+10:00

I didn't get to where I wanted on the next instalment of the insainly hot muscle/spandex dude....so I thought I would take a break from typing and show y'all what Ive been up to in a more graphical sense.....

These photos were taken in May. This was the compitition in which I came first and won my place in next months Australasian Champs (for which I am now heavily into training for....)

** WARNING: Inflated Ego and Boasting Ahead!! **

You should all see what I look like now, Im going to come in so much tighter and Way Way WAY more ripped for the nationals... I'm gonna bring it.

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my!

2007-09-06T00:28:00.000+10:00

So the way this starts is pretty darn typical for my encounters....Online. A special site devoted to devotees of all things spandex.
I've message this guy a few times, he's got the look I like...he's flexing like a freaked out, vein entrapped muscle monster in each of his pictures. Smooth everywhere, and what he's wearing shows that I do mean everywhere.

We've messaged back and forwards a couple of times, we've been playing the game for a while. He's hesitant because he's the same age as my father...but my Dad does not look like that!

Finally his hesitation falls victim to my hornyness (and my need for blog fodder) so the date is set and I meet him at the front gates of his … building.
Nice place, view of the water that made me stop. Right there. Stuck. The sun was starting to dip into the horizon so the warm late winters haze of the weekend was melting into the chilly dusk with a warm orange glow.

Smooth muscle man was just as muscled as in his picture, but he was also quite handsome and nice as hell. Which always helps.
He invites me up and we head into the elevator and make small talk. He's an intelligent man, but I can't help by focus on the mountainous pecs that protrude through his thin, white and almost too tight bonds t-shirt. He's interested in my competitions, what I do for a living, how does a 24 year old come across so mature...you know. The usual.
I ask him about living with the amazing view as he opens the front door to his apartment.

"Thats the view I usually get stuck at..." he said opening the door wide as I glanced through the apartment to the full floor to ceiling glass window which framed the bay, the boats, the city and the now emerging lights of the early dusk.

"Yeah, I can see why..." was my response as my attention turned to my host. I grab his thick muscular neck and draw him in, slightly pulling his glasses askew.
I pull him close and kiss him, deeply exploring his mouth and sucking at his spit.
I can feel the smile on his face as he kisses me back, one hand shimmying down my chest, across my abs to settle on the lengthening bulge building in the crotch of my cargo pants.

"I didn't think a guy like you would be into kissing" he said, wiping our combined spit from his mouth with the back of his hand in a masculine sweep.

"Just wait and see what Im into..."
I grab him and we embrace closer, locking lips as we make our way down towards the couch.

So by the grace of god....

2007-09-04T14:05:00.001+10:00

TAAA DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I back online!! Horay!
It only took 3 attempted deliveries of my Broadband modem, one 45 minute session listening to on hold music, three really unhelpful call centre staff and then JACKPOT one call centre dude who knew what the hell he was doing!!! And wham, it was all fixed.

Wow so much to tell you'all and so much to catch up on. Of course the first thing I did when I got online was to head straight over to shotgunvideo.com to check the internet speed. You know, nothing like some streaming previews of guys getting the spunk bashed out of them to check that ADSL+2 connection speed.

At the moment I am 5 and a half weeks out from my big bodybuilding competition; the Australasian Championships. My coach says I am running ahead. I could be ready in three weeks, which gives me plenty of time to harden up and make myself look like the true freak I've always wanted to be on stage. All the guys at work have been supper supportive and helped me out in ways I could never ask for. Im working with a great team, and the management are really impressed by the kinds of things I'm achieving.
I also keep on taking new work which is outside of my area, more strategic and long term stuff that takes the pressure off the management team. A release in pressure that they are really noticing, so that's nice.

Living closer to the city is fantastic and it's been such a super change in my life. I'm really really loving living by myself, especially as I get closer to comp and get less and less sociable. I was worried that I wasn't doing the really social stuff that my co-workers do, that I was achieving less in the social space then that of my peers until last week one of them confessed that she didn't know how I was doing all the training and working hours I did and still had any time at all.... I keep forgetting that the sheer volume of time I spend working out is a little more then standard. That made me feel better and with a sunny weekend just passed (reminding us all that summer is soon on it's way) and the count down to my comp (and the promise of less devouring gym sessions) I am looking forward to a truly playful summer! (I mean Brenton simply has to take me his favourite beach!! ;-P)

I have a story from a few weeks ago about a meet up that I had with a 40 plus year old guy with a major (MAJOR) fetish for lycra and muscles. Fortunately for me, he had tonnes of both!! Chest, abs, arms and a giant swooping back...this guy is worth his own post. Which he will get soon enough....

I also plan on posting some of my comp pic from last time. I am still really proud of what I achieved there and they make me excited to think what I can achieve this time around with the assistance of a good and attentive coach. I'm going to blow them all away!! (or at least look like I belong at a national level competition).
The young kid who works the reception at my gym nearly had a heart attack when I did a little pose for him in the gym foyer...

But that's something that I will explain fully later...Gotta leave a little mystery

Its great to be back...now I have to go and spend some time reading the blogs I love and need to catch up on.

Have a great day. Life Is Good.
Narc

Missing out of action

2007-08-27T09:19:00.001+10:00

Just a quick message snuck through in a seedy Internet "Cafe" very early in the morning.... Since moving out of home I have no internet access to get access to my online life.
I've ordered internet for my apartment, but these things take time (apparently)...and all access to the kinds of sites I need to post from work are either locked down, or heavily monitored.... And my kind of online life is not going to be the subject matter for the water cooler discussions for the IT geeks who work on my floor... (Like so many other poor, privacy infringed individuals who work for our company)
So alas, this is all I can manage for now. A single note to this page letting you'all know that I am alive and well. Loving life and living large... and busting to get back online to tell you all about it.

I can't wait till I get online again.

I made it!! Im IN!!!

2007-08-03T14:09:00.001+10:00

Horay!! I love my new apartment!!

I love my new Leather Couch, my sexy kitchen, my simple bedroom, both of my bathrooms, my street, my neighbourhood, everything!!!
BUT, I hate the mess my apartment is in right now. (The mess won't last long) but there is cardboard and foam packaging everywhere in my apartment, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. Its not going to fit in a standard bin. I might be off to the tip this weekend...
And then I get to go shopping for all the things I never really thought of having to buy. Like a can opener, toilet roll holders and a laundry basket... Simple I know, but all stuff I took for granted as just always being there.

But once I settle into my new place and unpack all my clothes (unpacking is soooo time consuming!!)...I'm going to have so much fun.

I'm even working out at CityGym this weekend, so you never know what's going to happen ;-) (Although you can always be hopeful...)

Another Successfull Blogger event

2007-07-30T16:43:00.001+10:00

Congratulations and thanks again go to NSSGuy for pulling together another great catch-up at the Tilburry. Was great to hang out again and I'm looking forward to many more occasions like it.

There was a great turnout and more names to faces was great. It of course motivated me to think that I have to start posting regularly again, as well as getting all read up on everyone else's blogs.
It will be the first thing I do once I get an internet connection at my new apartment (which will happen right after the phone company works out how to connect the phone)...

And in regards to the comments on my previous post.... Brenton and Drewby: What kind of guy do you think I am, an orgy to christen my new apartment?? Sheesh, I don't think so!! ....Well not until I get my amazing thick pile shag rug for the living room floor. Mind you I'm aching to try my new leather couch...I need a sign: "Slippery when wet".

I got an APARTMENT!!!

2007-07-26T14:35:00.001+10:00

Pop the corks guys and girls!! I got me an Apartment.

I move in next week. I am so excited, anxious, excited, overwhelmed, excited, ready to shop and EXCITED!!

I cancelled pretty much everything I had planned for this weekend except my coaching session on Saturday and the Bloggers meetup on Sunday (Neither of which would wild horses keep me away from).

Its happening, its all falling into place!

(I've even already found the couch...but I suppose that's just the gay gene kicking in...)

Looking for the easier way...

2007-07-20T13:37:00.001+10:00

Awwww Brenton! Your so cute, worrying about me in my comments section. Thanks.

But just to explain where I am right now Ill let you guys know a thing or two:

**Oh and if your expecting a humorous, positive or sexy post (like you know Im good at) don't read further. This gets pretty dark, but this is my forum for my feelings and I need to get this stuff down. Even if its just to record whats been happening.**

First I was looking for somewhere to live, it all sounds so exciting. A two bedroom apartment, somewhere around the city, modern kitchen and my new lifestyle. Well, I've looked at over 15 apartments, applied for 13 of them and continue to get knocked back. The market for housing in my Emerald City leaves me wondering if Ill ever find my own place to live. Of course all this takes time and effort which is a little thin on the ground when your working 50 hours a week, commuting on a train four and a half hours and in training for the National Bodybuilding Championships.
However, I continue to push onwards and hopefully just as my perfect job found me at the bottom of despair my new apartment will find me when the time is right....

So while all that is (and continues to be) going on my Mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. A which point she was then booked in for the operation to have the tumour removed.
Between the diagnosis and the operation my Grandmother (on my mothers side) died. So my mother had to decide whether she wanted to go home to England for the funeral (and put off her own operation), tuff times. For me it was a no brainer, but I can get pretty black and white on some subjects and understand why she may have wanted to go home to grieve with her family.
My Grandmother was fairly ill, weakened over a period of ailments so the end was neigh and a quite relief.

Mum stayed and had the operation, her recover from which was without complication but still very hard. She couldn't do a lot of what she usually did around the house for a while, so on top of everything else I was doing I had quite a few long (loooong) nights (and busy weekends) cleaning the house and making sure there was enough food cooked so Mum and Dad kept eating well.
The good news came from the doctor a week later. The advanced tests on the tumour showed it to be benign and the diagnosis was proven incorrect. The tumour had to be removed anyway, but this meant none of the harsher stuff had to be done. (Horay!)

So just as Im getting over all of that with Mum's getting back to normal and me being busier then ever trying to find a place to live, hit some awesome homeruns at work and geting ready to get a top five placing at the Asia Pacific Championships in October (working with my new coach).... then I got this email yesterday at work:

"last night with the results of <<my dog>>* tests

which proved he was in Renal failure and we had a difficult decision to make.

So this morning 10.30 both Dad and I said good bye to <<my Dog>>*.

it was the right thing to do but as you can imagine also very hard to do.

The vet gave him the IV injection and he simply went to sleep while Dad held him,

we both had a little cry it was just so sad. "

*name removed on purpose

I'm in so late at night, and out the door so early in the morning they didn't know how else to tell me.
I spent the whole day trying to not cry at work.... And I didn't even shed a single tear.

I'm going to miss my buddy.....

Hopefully, soon things will settle a bit and Ill feel like/have the time to write some more. But right now, I just don't want to think about it all....I think if I stop to think I may not get going again.

I'm going to the gym.

Fucked up night...

2007-06-27T14:28:00.001+10:00

Okay, yesterday was a bad day. We discussed it in the office as we were all waiting for the elevators, everyone in my section had a bad day. Various reasons, no relations...it was a negative moon or something.

So I headed off to the gym thinking that a solid (Hard ass) Hams and Gluts workout would cheer me up. I had an awesome workout (I am soooo motherfuking sore today!!) had excellent cardio and got all the equipment I wanted when I wanted it. I even smashed my abs, and I mean pulverised them.

At the end of all that, I was heading back up to the station when a shadow catches my eye. A girl, no older then 15 or so sitting on the front steps of a building facing onto the street.
I tend to notice everyone around me at this time of night (paranoid much?) but thought that this girl sitting there was slightly off. As I got closer I started to see something smeared all over her hands and arms. Closer still I realised that it was dripping off her fingers onto the footpath. Closer still I realised that she was slashing her arms with a razor blade, she was self-mutilating.

Ah huh....see ya.

I kept walking, sucking in deep breaths. I have a major blood phobia. Major. And this girls was covered in it and smearing it all around. I kept walking and breathing, I got to the end of the next block and pulled out my mobile to call Triple 0 (the Australian emergency number, like 911 or 999) I reported the girl to the ambulance service and the operator was so a) professional and nice and b) really, really thankful that I called.

I ended the call and then down I went.
I know, I know...I sound like a pussy. I don't know where it comes from or what its linked to, but sometimes it just hits me. (And not consistently either...eg I can watch surgery on the discovery channel no problems, the goriest of operations. But watching someone get a cholesterol or diabetes pin prick test, bad news)
So anyway, I'm sitting on the ground propped against a fence with my head heavy in my hands and the world spinning. Sweat running down my forehead.
And there I stayed, until the world stood still and I could stand up again.

Away I went to catch my train. Until I got to the station and just felt so guilty about leaving that girl there by herself. I understand self-mutilation and the power it can have.
I decided to go back. By the time I got to the street I felt a little embarrassed at making the call. In front of my on the street were 5 police cars slowly trawling the kerbs looking for this girl. It was a big scene, that my phone call had created.

I waved down one of the police cars and they wound down their window. I introduced myself as the guy who made the call. They asked me about where I had seen here and a more detailed description.
They said they had found the blood on the kerb and a blade, but not the girl. I said I was sorry I couldn't hang around to watch on her while help arrived for her but the Police said that making a call was more then most would do.
I feel as though I should have stayed. The police say I should be proud of what I did, and could have stopped her from going too far...
I think I should have stayed. But then I know they would have been calling the ambulance for me.

I hope she finds the help she needs. I hope she finds the peace inside herself she needs to escape the cycle of self mutilation.

Bingo!!

2007-06-26T14:22:00.001+10:00

<>

(Deleted under the kind guidence and recomendation of Superdrewby, who continues to keep me in line and out of harms way ;-D, thanks dude.)

I guess I just wasn't thinking with my head... well at least not the one on my shoulders...

Weirdness....

2007-06-21T13:45:00.001+10:00

Sitting at my desk this morning my private mobile phone rings. My phone practically never rings, its often non-stop with SMS messages but never rings.
I spent a moment staring at it with a "Why are you ringing?" look on my face before picking it up and answering.

"Hello?...."

The guy on the other end had a thick accent but what I did pick up were the terms "Gaydar Message" and "fisting".
He said it must have been a wrong number. But what are the chances of a wrong number resulting in some gay guy, who also uses gaydar calling me?
It started to freak me out! Who was giving out my mobile? Was it a joke or something more vexatious? What if my number had gotten out and people were going to keep calling me!?! What if people found out!?! What if.... oh, that's right. I don't give a shit anymore.

I don't have to protect my big, bad secret anymore.... so it doesn't actually matter.

I wonder if that guy was hot?

Ah, the old days.....

2007-06-21T08:38:00.001+10:00

Notice I didn't say 'good' old days? I don't know why, but this morning I had a recollection.

It probably had something todo with the retro music I had playing on my Ipod this morning (Remember those "Shiny Disco Balls"?).
I just remember being soooo stressed about work, back in the days I was saving the family company from the brink, that dancing on that Shift dance floor I would suddenly get a rush of memories about everything that was going on. Lawyers, accountants, debt collectors, ATO tax auditors, psychopath ex-directors who would stalk me. A paranoid, what happens if....the world collapsing was always a possibility.

I would dance there, in the disco lights surrounded by great guys. Shoulder to shoulder, sharing sweat but the thoughts of the people and issues of my company would swirl in my head so hard, so fast and so vividly it was always like I was dancing on that floor with a buffer surrounding me. Like everyone was dancing on the other side of the room, and only I was dancing over here.

I remember being that stressed. I'm not anymore, and I thank the universe everyday.

So to my weekend....

2007-06-20T14:25:00.001+10:00

Oh yes. My big, sexy weekend..... Dud.

I was planning to his the city on Saturday. Workout at City, eat, bodyline...easy.
Bad. It rained. Now don't be thinking that I'm some pussy dude, afraid of getting his hair wet. It RAINED!! Like "I'm sure there used to be a road where that RIVER is..." or "The rain broke my umbrella..." kind of rain.

And you have to realise that the drive to my emerald city is long and fast, neither work well in the heavy heavy rain....So I postponed... Until Sunday.

Sunday I had an awesome workout at Citygym. I ran into two of my mates, one of whom I have known for as long as I've been playing it gay, the other is a newer acquaintance who I had fun with once (the American I wrote about on here a couple of months ago) but I really want to get better acquainted with (he is so damn sexy!).
*Spaced out, drooling slightly at thought of the American...*

Okay, Im back..... it was a great workout. Bis and Tris so it was a long one, 2 and a bit hours in total. I'm exhausted covered in sweat and totally ready for bodyline.
I head up, check in and strip down.

I walk around and instantly there are 4 guys who look good to me, and I look good to them.... (I love it when that happens- there is a reason I'm call Narcissus!!).
Anyway, its time to choose....its a bit early but the meats on offer and Im ready to play. So naturally I choose the biggest one. And this guy was big, European big. Like 6' 5 and chunky, not defined but very middle block I worked on a farm so I grew big and strong kinda big....
Wham, this guy is in a room and I start kissing him. Oh no, please no..... this guy can't kiss. Turns out this guy can do very little.
I wanted a guy with muscles, what I got was a guy who's muscles cut off the blood flow to his brain. Damn. We played and romped as best we could, he enjoyed himself....And I was getting off on working this guy over and watching his eyes roll in his head....
Then I made him cum as he shivered and shook.... that was delicious, and he cam a bucket load which I totally GET. That's hot.
In his broken english he tries to understand why I don't want to cum....I told him I would later. Because really, I was early and I wasn't going to do this for the first time in months so soon, over some guy who really - just didn't do it for me.

So back into the darkness I went, and that's where I stayed....until it was time to leave. Grrrrr
And then yesterday, with that guy, in the spandex, at the gym....oh damn.

But if there is one thing I am good at, it is getting what I want. No matter how long I have to wait for it.

I nearly fell off...

2007-06-20T08:51:00.001+10:00

Holy cow. Oh my god. Agghhhhhh!!!
Today I was at the gym (great workout, fantastic pump awesome and friendly vibe the whole time) I was on the cross trainer for my post workout cardio and just chopping along as I do.
Earlier that night I had watched a crowd gather around the spin studio (full of stationary bikes) then file into the room to start their group exercise. The reason it had caught my attention was the two personal trainers who were also milling around waiting to also participate in the class. The reason I noticed them was because they were a) male and b) wearing full body spandex.
Bike shorts and tight sleeveless tops. Serious biking gear, not the stuff you get out of a Californian Muscle catalogue. Yum I thought but moved on...
Back to me on the cross trainer.... The studio was emptying and I knew the class was over. Then out of the corner of my eye one of the trainers came into view walking up the 4 steps upto the cardio floor.... He had stripped off the sleeveless top and was not wearing the bicycle shorts I first thought, but cycling singlet! Oh my God. Tight spandex stretching from around his massively bulging thighs smoothly running up and stretching out around his massively pert and delicious bubble butt that just wouldn't quit, pulling in tight around his narrow waist and contouring his tight pelvic 'v' and hugging his bulging and amply pushed forward package. Up the spandex continued to stretch pulled tight around his torso hugging his abs and straining around the wide sweep of his back, showing every valley and mound of muscle in his rapturous back. It was a singlet so the straps held tightly to his shoulders cutting in slightly to his oversized rounded shoulders and thick traps. The cut out at the front of the singlet went all the way down past his second row of abs. His pendulous pecs pushed out the straps and left a gap between the stretched thin material and the first rows of abs...

He has a light middle eastern look to him, like Egyptian or Peruvian. Handsome, young and confident. I nearly fell off my cross trainer.

I gripped the handles tighter and took a deep breath, this guy had kick started my libido... I was all of a sudden HOT. My machine beeped: "Slow Down! High Heart rate..... Slow Down! High Heart Rate..." streamed across the display.... If only it knew!

He walked over to the stretching area. Okay this is where is gets hard. Yep, I was hard, his muscles were hard but the things he did when stretching are even harder to explain. Lets just say he put his leg up on a bar the height of his shoulder leant in and hugged his leg in front of him... His delicious ass bulging and stretching the spandex. He proceeded to twist and hang and stretch all of his body on display muscles tight, taught and covered in sweat.

Ha ha ha, Im stuck on a train and fuking need to jerk off real bad, right now.

Kicked in the teeth....

2007-06-18T13:54:00.001+10:00

Well, I should be writing about my weekend in the city. But I reeeeealy don't feel like it. Its been on HELL of a morning at work and I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.

An email that I put together for distribution to the whole Sydney building has been ripped to S.H.R.E.D.S! (And not in a pre-contest bodybuilder kinda way).

And I think the worse part is that, really...I knew it didn't look right. I just didn't take the time to actually make a decision if I should send it or not.
But that just means hard lesson learnt and I can move on. I just hope there isn't too much fall out from this....

Today is a sad day. I hope my workout goes well...

Can you hear the screaming??....

2007-06-13T15:28:00.001+10:00

Can you hear them? Can you hear the screams?

That's my libido curled up in the corner, rocking slightly.... whimpering. Guess what I didn't do this weekend?

But really, it wasn't a hard choice. When I arrived my whole crew had already assembled on the dance floor with the American DJ spinning at the decks.
The music, oh my...the music. Heavy New York style trance, my favourite.
So I had to decide; play the games and go on the hunt or stay on the dance floor and dance till the sunrise. I'm not moving from the dance floor!

The music won over my need to fuck, but the music gave me everything I needed for the night.

Some cool things that did happen tho:

I got recognised!! A really tall dude (who I think was Daniel?? I'm sorry if that's not your name dude, but now you gotta introduce yourself....) he was like "hey, I read your blog!" and I was all like "......thanks?...." trying to act all nonchalant about it but inside I was a) shocked as hell! Speechless. I really hadn't thought it would happen. b) squealing like 6 year old girl. How cool is that!!

Anyway, I couldn't stand around and chat with the dude...I was heading to the head. All that dancing and drinking water... hmmm.

Secondly, I got into this really long...really interesting conversation with a guy who was kinda left of field, but hella interesting. We chatted about a ton of stuff. It was uber interesting and totally not what I expected from Indulgence. We chatted about relationships, the nature of expectation and the source of the leather fetish...
He gave me his card, and said that I should choose to use it or not... I wanna keep in contact with him cause he was a cool dude. But don't want to lead him on thinking that anything could happen other then friendship.... ah the delicate nature of man to man relationships of our fabulous gay life...

Suggestions?

Unnatural somethings.....

2007-06-09T17:50:00.000+10:00

Apprantly Sue pointed me to this site a while ago. I don't know where she did it, I dont know when she did it but I stumbled accross her referencing the fact that she had recomended it on this dudes comments section... (Fuck! Okay! I was googling my own name...Its not called SyntheticEGO for no reason!)

Anyway, its called Unnatural Devotions and it is HOT. Capital H. Capital O Capital T. This guy has an unnatural talent for picking the HOTEST muscle out there. I better not ever meet this man in a nightclub, because we would be going after the same guys in the building, guarenteed!

I mean check this out...

But what about the kids??.....

2007-06-08T14:10:00.001+10:00

Today on News.com.au (via The Australian) Prime Minister John Howard again proves to us all how OLD he truly is. Speaking out in response to the Victorian report on Lesbian access to IVF treatments.

Reported to say that having a heterosexual couple as the foundation of a family is best for children, "It gives children the best opportunity in life," (Yo John, you met Britney yet??)

Now I totally see where this comes from. A place where familiarity breeds a comfort of unchallenged opinions. But some opinions need challenging.
I think we all know people who would make great parents, and we all know people who I wouldn't give a dog....and the magic thing is? It has nothing to do with who they fuck.

Unlike a lot of other things in life (like intelligence, economic status, ability to fly) you can't judge someones' worth as a parent by seeing if they like to take it up the arse.

If this is a question of role models of either gender being available to the children, why don't we take the kids away from single parent families? (Im not suggesting that we do! Im just saying that its just as dumb as an idea)

You can spend a weekend in and around Oxford St and think that everything is okay. But when you wake up sometime in the week you realise that as a social group of outcasts. We gays have a long way to go.

And sometimes I wonder if we have what it takes to make the journey?

Indulgence...

2007-06-07T14:04:00.001+10:00

I. Nearly. Forgot!

As the working masses here in Australia whittle away our week we look towards this weekend with an added sense of excitement. The true Aussie tradition of a long weekend!! We don't have to return to work until Tuesday giving us all an extra 24 hours to relax, spend time with our families, clean the house...or party like monsters.

So after having my appetite wetted last weekend, I was trying to workout what to do and where to go to have a good weekend. My friends are all going to Sounds on Sunday which is a dance music festival (but straight dance festivals are nowhere near as fun as the debauched parties our people throw) anyway, that was firming as an option until I got a phone message from a very good mate of mine.

"Hey Babe, Long time. Indulgence. This weekend. Whole crew's going. Its going to be big and messy."
(I added all the vowels back in so its easier to read)

My point is: INDULGENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My absolute favourite all time dark, sexy, sweaty, big boys and masculine men party!! Fuck man I am going to go OFFFFFF!!

Going to get big and messy?? Bloody Oath!

I've just started my heavy, heavy cycle of supplements (including testosterone builders) and I feel invincible. Im not really worried about my now MIA 6-pack, because I feel like a TANK! This is JUST the party to goto this weekend.
The party gods have delivered.

Big and Messy.

Reflections on my previous post...

2007-06-06T15:16:00.001+10:00

Now this may sound kinda strange, and totally absent minded, but I just realised:

a) That was the first time my best mate (whom I came out to last year before Sleaze) had seen me with a guy - in that way.
b) I hadn't even told the other girl-friend who was with us that I was gay.... I guess she knows now.

I just wonder how both of them reacted? I didn't notice any difference when we were leaving. I can't imagine it would be something they totally expected in front of them.

....Im just really glad that their first time watching me with another dude was with such an absolute muscle, ripped, smooth, Latin flavour dude...

The kiss to awaken the beast....

2007-06-06T15:12:00.001+10:00

Like a fairytale begins....Once upon a time, there was a dude who competed in natural bodybuilding...

blah blah blah... until we get to the part where I'm in a nightclub having finally won my comps and are free from the shackles of diet and training to have some fun with my friends.

A familiar smile in the crowed appears as a one of the smoking hot guys I know appears across the croweded dance floor. He smiles his recognition at me, I smile back at him... then he's gone.

Much later that night as my girls are sitting on the sidelines tugging at their high heels and planning our escape home we agree to leave. I turn to leave when *bam* there he is standing in front of me.

"Hey man how are you!" I say as we embrace in a hello hug.

He runs his hands over my smooth face, "You shaved your beard!"
"Your still Jesus tho" he says playing with my long hair. He always called me Jesus.

"Its good to see you man, but were just heading off...Its good to see you again tho."
"Good to see you too" And with that he leans in for a good by kiss. We kiss on the lips but he quickly pulls me closer as his tongue explores my mouth and this good bye kiss becomes a deep, wet and sexy embrace.

"Seya" I say, as I turn to the door. I look back with a big smile on my face, I see him grinning ear to ear.

"That was nice..." I said to my girls as we break into the sunlight of the crisp morning air.

And with that my beast had been awoken....And I need to get me some ass!!

Over full....

2007-06-05T17:23:00.001+10:00

Wow, thanks guys! Obviously you guys who read this blog got the significance of what I was doing.... I got busted up for being overly dramatic (thanks Brenton....) so I started to get worried that I was making something big of this, that wasn't really worthy.... but still in my head it was huge.
But the response has been HUGE, and I am nothing but humbled by the response.

Thanks to all the guys (and girls...hey Sue!) who left comments and gave me some really big props. What a love fest!!

But for now, I have something I need to do. And its something I've been delaying and delaying for MONTHS!! You know how sometimes you get sooooo tired that you don't really feel tired anymore?
And you know how sometime when you get so so so hungry you just get beyond hungry and don't feel like eating anymore?

Well, I Blogged about the last time I fucked. Think how long ago THAT was. Yup, Im soooo horny Im not even horny any more....
But I do know that when I get close to a guy who sparks my interest Im going to do something insanely stupid, probably dangerous and definitely unethical....
The boys downstairs want to play, and I don't think there is enough blood in my ever expanding body (already up 10kgs on contest weight) to run both my balls, cock and brain.
And its my brain that going to miss out.

Watch the Ego....

2007-06-04T14:07:00.001+10:00

My mates and I were out on the town and having an absolute blinder of a good time. It was a massive get together of bodybuilders and their support crews to celebrate the end of this season. Massive.

We were going back to my car for a change of scenery to an Oxford St club when it happened....

With my friends off to one side I was waiting to use the ticket machine to pay the parking fee. I noticed a group of four guys standing off to the side staring, pointing and whispering to each other... I was the obvious object of their discussions. These tall, rather large men of middle eastern appearance were certainly catching our attention.
My heart started to beat faster as I turned my to use the ticket machine, I could see out of the corner of my eye the body language of my two mates changed from being fairly relaxed to ready for anything.... I knew they had seen these guys too.

Finished with the ticket machine I pushed out my chest and squared my shoulders enlarging the visual impact of my frame, I turned from the machine to be faced by this group of men....

Big Guy 1: "Mate..."
Shit, I can't really ignore them....
Me: "G'day", I was being friendly...

Big Guy 1: "You competed in Sydney last weekend didn't you?"
Big Guy 2: "Yeah, under 80s right?"
Me: "Yeah...that was me." BIG sigh of relief!!
Big Guy 3: "We thought we recognised you..."
Big Guy 4: "I competed last year, you looked better this year! You made some great improvements..."

And so it went on, chatting about comps and the fact that I nor any of my friends could remember which floor I had parked my car on....

Finally we went our separate ways...
Me: "If you happen to see a Silver ***** on your way out honk, fuck knows where my car is!"
A few minutes later as we walk down yet another set of stairs looking for my car we hear a loud honk in the distance...Ah ha!!

Mate 1: "Did you see those guys?"
Mate 2: "I thought they were going to start something, I was getting ready to kick my shoes off!"
Mate 1: "Yeah, I was staring them down....but hows your ego now Mr Recognised-by-the-general-public Bodybuilder man?"

Oh yeah, that felt damn good....

Hi, Im Narcissus

2007-06-02T16:46:00.000+10:00

Gday!
Let me introduce myself, I'm Narcissus....

Im a 24 year old guy living in Wollongong, Australia working in North Sydney and partying everywhere in between.

My passions surround being creative, striving for excellence and getting what I want.

I try to be friendly even though I have a natural distrust of people, Im usually happy and always smiling on the inside. Ill never be rude or agressive to someone's face, so if you catch me at the gym or around town give me a wave and say G'day. I would actually really like that.

I wanted to finally share with you all who I am, by showing my face Im stepping out and saying that I will not be afraid to be me. What I am and who I am and what I do and who I do it to are all 100% gunine, honest and me.

I am not embarrased by my life, I am not ashamed and all of the built in resons for wanting anoniminity no longer apply because I will no longer let them apply.

I am a 24 year old, Australian, Bodybuilding, Hard Working, Professional gay man. And I can now honestly say, I no longer have a problem with that.

It's time to start living with the honest me....

Taking a deep breath....

2007-05-26T16:20:00.000+10:00

Okay, so this is how it is going to work. On Saturday, 2nd of June 2007 I am going to reveal who I am. Im not famous, Im not even infamous but I am ME.

This may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but as I look back on some of the things I have shared with you guys over the history of this blog, to me it is a big thing.

I share so much of my private, public, hidden, open, secret, sexy, sweaty, sad, happy and social life with the 10,000 or so people who visit these pages every week but stil, up until now they knew almost everything about me except the truly important thing of 'who I AM'.

So next Saturday, for the first time on SyntheticEgo you will all be able to see who I am, see my face, my eyes and my smile. My big reveal as I work towards living an honest life.

So all those guys that have emailed me and asked to see pictures of who I truly am, all those people who tried to track me down through my other web profiles get ready and spread the word.

The vail is about to be lifted.... Narcissus is coming.

Its a sell out!

2007-05-23T05:22:00.000+10:00

Hey guys,

Just wanted to mention (quite excitedly) that my Sydney comp has officially SOLD OUT.... Jam packed to capacity. Im soooooo looking forward to getting on stage and doing my routine NOW!!

But don't y'all worry, I have a few hours this weekend devoted purely to getting some pics ready for your viewing pleasure.... It will be like you were there for yourselves... almost.

Another one bites the dust...

2007-05-22T23:20:00.000+10:00

Another big weekend. And what a show! What a fuking show!

The biggest line up of compeditors in my division I had ever seen,
ever. The quality and conditioning of these athletes was amazing.
Everyone I talked to in the audience said it was the most compeditive
lineup seen in quite some time.
I didn't place in but I was happy with how I looked. I came in tight
and hard, I came in harder then in the previous week but it still wasn't
enough to keep up with these guys.

The vascularity and dryness of these guys was simply breathtaking, we
all had such a great time hanging out backstage and getting ready to go
on and perform for the crowd knowing that in this group, nomatter where
we placed it was a deserved spot.

By the time my posing routine had come around I had seen the pictures
taken from the crowd of the pre judging and talked to a few mates of
mine who are all experienced bodybuilders and I knew Id come in 4th or 5th
so the pressure to win was pretty much off... The top three had won a
postition on the diece, which position was still up in the air...it
would be a close battle.

But the great thing about not having a chance, is that you don't have
to care.... and thats the best way to go into your posing routine. When
the only reason your onstage is to entertain and showoff, you're going
to put on a show!

And my routine went off.... Oh damn I had fun. I had the girls in the
crowd screaming and on their feet. 60 seconds of pure exhileration and
pride.
Just think, Frankie Goes to Hollywood... ;-P

Next week is the big finale to this season. The sydney comp is huge
and attracts the best of the best. For me, competing there is a glimps
into how the real men play the game and its a great experience. My only
chance of winning is if I win a lucky door prize of protein suppliments
or something... so again, no pressure. Just gotta go in there looking
my best, looking better then last week and better then last year.
Because when it comes down to it, thats all I really wanted from this year,
to be better then last.
And now that Im competing with a waist that measures less then 28 1/2"
Im happy.

So this weekend is about celebrating my sport and basking in the
process, enjoying the show of it, the eternal preperation and the display.
The few chances in life where its not a bad thing to stand up and say
"Fuck I look good. Check THIS out!"
Im really looking forward to this weekend. Its been a very, very long
road. Its been a very full on three weeks of competing and Im looing
forward to being able to open my focus onto other things and other goals
in my life. Im looking forward to being social with my work collegues
and going out clubbing on the Rainbow Mile, in my Emerald city. (If
its still there? Last time I heard the whole strip was slipping into a
social wasteland....)

Im looking forward to having more flexability in my life, re-connecting
with friends and regaining balance. But one thing I do know is that Im
going to miss it. Im going to miss the deadline, the pressure and the
pain.

Its a good thing I've already got the path to National compititions
mapped out.... because THATs going to be a challenge. And if I haven't
learnt anything else from this I have learnt that I like the challenge.
The harder it gets, the more I love it!

Big thanks....

2007-05-19T22:03:00.000+10:00

I wanted to say a big thank you to all the studs, dudes and chickydees who stopped a moment to congratulate me on my win. Its great to think that you guys are as thrilled as I am at all this work paying off....

And as the time gets closer to posting a massive set of pictures I can tell you all that you're going to see alot more of me then your used to..... I deffinently getting to the stage where hiding isn't what I want to do anymore.

If people aren't willing to accept Narcissus then more fool them.... and that's in real-life and online.

Fuck em, I am me... More then anybody can realise.

Dissapearing act....

2007-05-18T21:57:00.000+10:00

Another week gone without a post.... Damn Im getting slack. But don't think its just you guys that Im dogging. I realised tonight on the way home that I hadn't logged onto either of my online profiles at Gaydar or Bigmuscle.com in ages.....
I just logged on then, I had messages sent to me dating all the way back to March!! Im a slack boy!
And just think, it must have been nearly that long since I fucked.

I've just been too busy and focused and distracted (and self-conscous) to play around. Its funny tho, when you've got so much on your plate and all your doing is looking forward towards these end goals you dont' miss something like sex. Well I havn't anyway....
But the closer I get to the end of this particularly grinding journey Im starting to look forwards to the things that Ill be doing when I have a bit of flexability and compramise in my life.... And gosh darn it Im going to make some big boys very sore...

One down....

2007-05-13T23:03:00.000+10:00

1st Place!!
Number one Middleweight Natural Bodybuilder.

You. Fuckin. Beauty!!

Two more comps to go, one next week and then the Sydney Comp at Castle Hill RSL, Sunday 27/05/07.... ;-)

A quick tease....

2007-05-08T23:11:00.000+10:00

I just wanted to let y'all know that I think its great your still here. I mean nothing much has been happening on here so Im soooo happy your still here, because after the next three weeks of comps there will be some HUGE things coming.

I mean seriously guys (and gals -Hi Sue!) can you imagine: me, in my own apartment, in the city? Now thats going to go off with bang!!

Oh and for the pictures, they will come in time.... But during and post comp only. Im don't like taking pictures of myself at this stage of contest prep because I am hugely self critical and a bad photograph can be really destroying to my focus especially on the amount of carbs and sleep Im using to 'survive'.

But trust me, when Its all said and done....You'll be seeing a lot more of Narcissus....

One week to go....

2007-05-06T13:29:00.000+10:00

In 7 days I will be on stage for my first of three weeks of competition....

I can't wait, I hope I look better then last year, Im glad its almost over, I never want it to stop...

Changing times and changing faces....

2007-05-05T16:37:00.000+10:00

Have you ever been so comfortable with something that you never stop to ponder on its real reason for existing?? For the last two years Ive been a guy with a beard. Which doesn't sound like a big deal, but when your a 24 year old, 5'10 bodybuilder wearing the lastest clothes and dancing in nighclubs...it kinda gets noticed.
Often in a lull of conversation with new people it would only be time before: "So why the beard?"
So anyway, the beard is gone.
I shaved it.
And as I looked at my reflection in the mirror I realised that it wasnt' just a beard. Id been hidding (I know! Cliche!!) but what I saw staring back at me was the guy I remember from photos before I took over the family business...
Relaxed and confident, looking at the world as an oportunity rather then a massive threat. When I removed my beard I removed the burden and the mask that had turned me into a cynical old man....way before my years were up.

So I sit here with a very white shaven face and a new outlook, a new sense of direction and hope.
I also sit here with short hair. The esoteric and gruff asthetic has gone, replaced instead with an open face, open eyes and an open mind.

(My mum still can't beleive how much more open my eyes look. "Id forgetten how blue your eyes were...." She said with a tear.

New Beginings#Big Adventures

Realisations....

2007-04-27T23:59:00.000+10:00

The harder it gets.....

the more I enjoy it.

And you can take that in EVERY sense of the phrase ;-)

Hehehehe.....

2007-04-13T00:10:00.000+10:00

I. Got. The. JOB!!!!!

Google me this....?

2007-04-11T23:32:00.001+10:00

Google me this?

Where are all the big muscle guys?? I've been working out in the city for a couple of weeks now and one thing Ive missed are my big boys from back home.
Now, don't get any ideas about upcoming stories involving me and these guys in the steam room...they are my boys, we all help each other out and work together to get bigger. Of course Im the smallest of the guys, but Im also the only non-steroidal body builder amongst them....
Its great to have these huge 120kg hulks of meat to look up to and remind me how hard I can work and need to work.... Guys of their stature are missing from the gyms I've been going to in the city.
But this is the largest city in the country, so statistically there should be more of em!!

So I send out the message to my cyberspace slouthes... where is all the muscle?? Which gyms are the safehouses for the masters of beef, where do the freaks go to get sweaty? If you've got a collection of pin coushons at your local, be nice and share....let me know where I should be working out to get some real mentoring going on....

Oh and tomoz is my big "casual" interview to decide my fate with my latest courtier of a company....
I've put everyone and all other interviews on hold until I nut this out....I don't like complicating these things with too many options....
Ill let you'all know how I go....

Responses from the Employment sector....

2007-04-10T23:17:00.000+10:00

Wow, as this week starts my efforts of last week paid back all over the place. Two big responses for two very different job opportunities.

One was from an interview that I was luke warm about. Really it was just me panicking as I do from time to time, and then when they did make an offer after my blow away performance in the interview the true reality of the job was hard to mistake... It was a disguised sales job, pretending to be a marketing strategy job. But when the offer came through with a job description, it was bloody obvious....they deserve to get the idiot who falls for their bait and switch as an employee....

The other one was far more positive, this is the one I was sweating over all weekend. The answer came back as a absolute.....maybe. The problem as they see it is that they absolutely want me to work for them, but they don't think the role Ive applied for will fully utilize all the skill sets I bring to the company.... So Im meeting with them again..."for Coffee"....so they can pitch some different roles at me to see if I would be interested in higher positions with more strategic outlooks and more project management and business analysis components....
Which is a long way from the communications/marketing theme I've been working with for the last couple of months.... so Ill go with an open mind. Remembering what my goals are, what will make me happy long term and trying to not follow the money, even though I think the money will be big.

I just hope they don't give up on trying to fit the round peg that I am into their square holes and just walk away from a mutual opportunity.... the games begin.

Fingers crossed for me people!!

Long weekend of relaxation...

2007-04-09T17:58:00.000+10:00

What a weekend. Been pretty quite, I've been on edge the whole 4 days.

I had my job interview on Thursday night, last thing before the long weekend. Which of course means that its been 4 days of suspense to find out how it went.
To add to that drama the interview which I thought was going to be just with the person in charge of the department ended up including the CIO of the entire global company.
And they GRILLED me....they tag teamed me, it was relentless.

Then mix into this whole, brain rattling experience that fact that I thought the questions were soooo off base in terms of the requirements of the job. I tried my hardest to relay the skill sets and experience that I have which make me PERFECT for their role, but the questions they were asking were so unrelated Im not sure I was able to fully show how skilled I am at the areas they need for this role.
That's probably related to the fact that they are from a technical department and looking for a marketer, which is very outside of their comfort zone. Its just fortunate for me that I also have a degree related to their comfort zone so could answer most of their questions with my usual pizzaz.... and I think that the depth of my technical knowledge unrelated to my marketing surprised/impressed both of them.

So after that little experience and the following up and down of trying to not think about the interview and fantastic offices and the great simplicity of living and working in the area they are stationed.... I was a little quite.

I went to a friends birthday party on the Friday which was its usual hell. She understands my position tho, her birthday is always right in the middle of the hardest, most strict part of my diet.
So I sit around sipping water and trying to not notice the delicious finger food and the big, huge, chocolatey, home made birthday cake (that I could smell in the next room).... but they are my friends and they understand.
Im getting more and more anti-social as my diet get stricter and the cardio and training again ramps up for the home stretch.
Of course I have my party trick, where I get people to put their hands on the side of my chest (on my ribs) and because there is nothing between the skin and muscle I can flex the muscle and they can feel the ridges of the muscle move across my ribs....freaks em out every-time!!

So it was another non-eventfull weekend....well, it was eventful in that I feel relaxed and ready for the new week. I just hope that I can start this week with a job offer....

Job update...

2007-04-04T23:09:00.000+10:00

Oh and I have another job interview tomorrow. When the shortlist got sent from the recruitment consultant to the client, the client came back with a pretty definitive answer..... We only want to see this one.

And that one is me!

They have a second choice, but that aren't even arranging an interview until after they see how it goes with me....

Movement on the train...

2007-04-04T23:08:00.000+10:00

I've been reading this book on the trains in the morning (another perk of the commute...I get time to do those things that have always slipped by.....).
The book is called Muscle by Jon Hotten (I know, how predictable) its a fantastic, enlightened uncynical and open eyed look into the sport I love and live by.
Suddenly I got to a part of this book about muscle, roids, sacrifice, competition and narcissism and hit this passage.... I cried. A grown man crying on a train, hiding behind his Diesel sunglasses....

I hope you read this passage and understand the story, I hope you read the passage and get an insight into the sport which changed my life and a sport that dictates so much of who I am.... I understand that some people just don't get bodybuilding, I hope this is one insight they may understand and empower them to see into the passion in my heart.

**And a cheat note so you understand what happens at the end Dexter Jackson, Chris Cormier, Dennis James and Ernie Taylor are in the top 6 bodybuilder in the world at the moment. The top of the sport.

"Backstage, another bodybuilder was pumping up. I'd seen him earlier and hadn't thought anything of it. He looked pretty much the same as all the others - big guy, warm-up suit, moving slowly (perhaps even more slowly than the rest) - but he wasn't/ He was there to guest pose. Kerry introduced him to the crowd during the break between the free-posing round and the announcement of the top six finalists.
'When I first knew Simon Robinson, he was a lad trying to get a pro card,' Kerry said. 'He used to drive all the way from Mansfield to my gym in Manchester so I could check him over. Late one night I had a call from Simon's brother asking what time Simon had left the gym. he hadn't com home. Turns out there'd been a very bad car accident, and Simon was in a coma. Doctors had to amputate his right leg below the knee. A few days later, he had problems and it was amputated above the knee. His other leg was broken in nine places, and when it healed, it healed crooked so it had to be re rebroken. He had broken ribs and internal injuries. When he came out of the coma, I had to tell him that he'd lost his leg. I said to him, "Be strong. Your family is outside and they need you to be a man.: Simon looked up at me and nodded.
'When we first started running this Grand Prix in Manchester three years ago, Simon came to the show in a wheelchair. Two years ago, he came in on crutches. Las year, he walked in unassisted. Tonight, he's guest posing...Simon Robinson...'
It was an astonishing sight. He appeared from the back of the stage, swinging his hip to lift his artificial leg up the steps. As he neared the stage front and began his routine, everyone in the room stood up and acclaimed him. There were tears on his cheeks as he struck the poses. What a moment it was. His body was a marvel, even in a hall full of them. The circumference of his left thigh visibly exceeded that of the artificial one. His waist was tight and his shoulders and chest broad and thick. His arms were smoking. He was dry and hard and vascular. He was in contest shape, but he's already won all of his contest. This was his valediction. The ovation went on long after the music stopped. Plenty of people in the audience were in tears along with him. They understood enough about training to know one thing: that they could never really understand what it was to be Sion Robinson.
That understanding was important - without it, it would have been just another made-for-TV moment. Every time bodybuilding challenged me to call it small-time, and irrelevant, and worse, it threw up something funny, or mad, or touching, or even redemptive, and this was one such thing. Unprompted and without prior arrangement, Dexter Jackson, Chris Cormier, Dennis James and Ernie Taylor walked onstage and stood in line with Simon in the middle, the highest position. Kerry called them through the seven compulsory poses, and that night, Simon Robinson's circle was squared."

Fuck, why is everything blurry again.... no really, I just have something in my eyes....

Updates...

2007-04-03T23:08:00.001+10:00

So that last post was a week ago, and this is now...today or tonight, even though my day hasn't finished yet.

Im sitting here in my gym gear, eating my protein bar dinner on the way home. I was out of bed at 5am this morning to get in my morning cardio before starting my 2 hour commute. I wont get home till 11pm and will have to cook food and prepare my bags for tomorrows repeated adventure.
This is my life at the moment. Travel, work, gym, travel, get prepared, sleep...repeat.
I knew a guy who did this for a few years, the commuting to the Emerald city. Its fun, Im enjoying it. But I couldn't do it for any long period of time.
Its espeecially hard since Im still training like a beast for my competitions, training hard and eating strict.
What makes that hard now it the fact that over there is a guy sitting on the train eating his fresh and steamy Pizza Hut pizza...and a guy over there eating his Burger King meal, with salty salty chips..... Urgh the smells.

Despite all this busyness Im still going to job interviews and have gotten through to the final round of one in particular that sounds just insane, awesome and exciting. Thankfully, unlike last time where I tried to not get excited and failed, this time its taking so much focus to keep everything rolling and on track in my life that I don't have the time, energy or brain cycles to get too worked up over this one. Even though deep down I know I really want it and want it BAD!

My comp training is going well, Im ripping up really well and on schedule. My six pack is stacked with vengeance. My obliques ripple as I twist and flex and they are staring to feather and vascularise. The veins on my lower abs are popping out all over the place. Im really excited about it all and still going strong on that front. Hopefully I can take this ripped up body of mine and get into some trouble.... I need to get back to the sweat that makes this blog so popular!!

Comming up for air...

2007-04-03T23:06:00.000+10:00

GASP!!!
The sound of me coming up for air.....
I actually wrote this entry last week or so, in the back of my gym journal.... I was on a train...somewhere Ive been spending a lot of time. In fact I'm on that train right now. This time armed with my Laptop, so I can bring you guys the updates.... and break this uncomfortable silence.

"
So I had my first day working for someone or some company other then one owned or controlled by my family.
Effectivly this is the first time I've ever worked for someone...anyone.
It started as just a single day consulting in an office, helping out the company who had gotten into trouble with a glut of new work being held up by the process and paperwork in their administration dept.
I turned into two days.... and now they've asked me (really strongly) for me to stay another 3 weeks. (Since writing this they have asked me to stay until I get a new job....)
I'm not sure if this is something I should be doing but still I said yes. So Im working in the city for another three weeks or so (or longer as it now turns out). Which means I'm going to be halla busy.
The whole thing helps me get used to the idea and function of working in my Emerald city. And the associated 2 hour each way sojourn. So far its going okay but it does knock a big chunk of my day into the waste bin.
In reality I get off on being this busy. Always being on the move, and always 'doing'. Hopefully this will mean that Im more interested in partying on the weekends and letting my hair down. I haven't been that into going out and having fun before because I didn't really feel as though I deserved it...I mean really, other then apply for cream jobs what was I really going with my time??
Now, I deserve my weekends. Time to relax and chill out.

Im tired, and busy... my body aches with fatigue and I am the happiest...most centered and content.... relaxed as I have been since I got back from the States. Things are moving and Im happy."

Good taste?.......

2007-03-24T13:14:00.000+11:00

I just received an email from a company today advertising the release of Dark Alley's new DVD entitled "Gaytanamo".

Whilst this style of hardcore punishment is right up my alley I was a little...unsettled..... by the name. Im not sure where the line lies on this one? Whilst my initial reaction was to smirk somewhat (as it is a very smart play on the word) I soon became uncomfortable with a porn video which sets its torture in an actual real life torture camp.... Does this make me a hypocrite? Or just reaffirm my limits when dealing with these S&M situations. (ie Full Consent, safety words, discussed limits and absolute respect)

While the video itself look sexy as hell, what do y'all think about this? Is this too close to the truth to be getting off on? Should we be trivializing whats going on??

Doh!!!

2007-03-22T11:59:00.001+11:00

Well, I didn't get the job. And Im bummed. Thankfully I have some Temp work tomorrow near the city so I don't feel like a completely unemployable guy.

As hard as I was trying to not get overly excited about that job (and truly deep down I kinda knew it wasn't my job) but I was so in love with the idea of finally getting out of here and starting my new adventure in my Emerald city.... To the point where I don't think I was even excited about the job anymore, just the opportunity to get moving again.

So anyway, the search resumes....

But as a side note, I was wondering if there were any lawyers in the house? I need some advice on how the insanity plea works.

If I crack some guy across the head with a 20kg dumbbell at the gym because he's too fucking lazy and self-important to put his 3 sets of dumbbells away and just walks away from his massive pile of mess.... can I claim that he is such a dickhead that it made me so insanely mad I HAD to hurt him??

Thanks and an Update...

2007-03-21T10:45:00.000+11:00

Wow, thanks to everyone who sent their best wishes for my interview this week. The crazy thing is that whilst I had such a long period of ABSOLUTLY NOTHING in terms of interest in the last couple of days I've been to 7 interviews and 3 assessments for technical aptitude in regards to my computer literacy.
(And to quote: "I haven't really seen anyone with scores this high before..." oh yeah, Im the man! Who's the man? Im the man! *High Five*)

Anyway, I've had job offers (but Im still waiting on the BIG offer from Mondays interview, where I embarrassed myself with my own excitment in my last Blog post), shortlists, phone interviews and all sorts happening in the last couple of days.
Unfortunately this takes my attention at the moment so I haven't really done much thats interesting to you guys AKA Fucking..... but I continue to try.

I did meet a sexy, intelligent man and fun to be around dude for drinks on Monday...that was fun ;-)

I'm Nervous....

2007-03-18T23:35:00.000+11:00

Im excited as well. Since the beginning of my search for my fantastic new job started Ive had dozens of phone interviews, quite a few first round interviews, a few second round interviews and two job offers.

But I've not felt like this! This is the one. Tomorrow (or today since Im posting this fairly late) Im going for a final round interview for a job which is the pinnacle of what I want in my next job.

And Im perfect for it. The skills and education I have perfectly fit the role, plus its working with a large national high visibility company which is one of my most liked criteria on my 'like to have' list.

Im so excited. This could be the one, this could change everything....

Big thanks....

2007-03-16T10:57:00.000+11:00

Howly cow!! Ive been featured!!!

When I started this blog just over a year ago, I thought that the ultimate in coolness would be to get a mention from one of my all time favourite bloggers (it's a select list...) but today I realise that Ive been mentioned on THREE blogs at the same time... Im blown away!!

So big thanks go to:

The Great Cock Hunt

Aussielicious

Bill in Exile

Now all I need is a mention on Roids and Rants and I can die. Hehehehehe

Oh and welcome to y'all finding my site for the first time, check out my previous stories of sordid fucking and getting into trouble.
My personal favourites are Fun in the Desert Sun , with a couple of bodybuilders. Playing with Studs a hot lean guy who likes to play and one of more memorable wrestling encounters with a massive muscle dude.

Do you think she knows?....

2007-03-16T09:29:00.000+11:00

Situation: We're going through iTunes to pick out some tracks for my Mum's Ipod.... (Incl Madonna's 'Sorry', Deep Dish, Daft Punk, Sunset Strippers and Iio...)

Mum to me: "Take that pen out of your mouth!"
Me: "Im not chewing it, Im just holding it in my mouth"
Mum: "Chewing pens is dangerous, you'll choke!"
Me: "I just need something in my mouth."
Mum: "..... Just don't let anyone hear you say that...."

And then she complained the DJ Tiesto song Just Be (Streaming in the below Embed) is too slow. She wants something with a real beat.

Playing with some All American BEEF (Concluded)....

2007-03-15T12:31:00.000+11:00

This started HERE.

We kiss again and more, his hands slide up and down my chest and abs while my two hands are firmly gripping the immense shoulders of this gentle giant. I keep gripping and pawing at the notted sinews of muscle that form his shoulders and neck.

He walks over to the bed and reclines back waiting for me to join him. I walk over to the side of the bed and kneel up onto the mattress. I throw a leg over his torso and lower my weight onto his body as our chests grind together with the weight of our bodies. I cross my arms on his chest and start to kiss him again. Pulling away and teasing his searching tongue to keep him guessing.

He's aggressive and masculine in his treatment of me, but so am I to him. Two MEN fucking. We push and shove and semi-wrestle around the bed and off the bed and back on the bed as we push each other around. He Tries to grab my wrists to pin me down and we play as I try to break his hold on me. "Nearly!" "Not Quite" "I don't Think so..." he taunts as I try to push his mass off my chest. I give up and wrap my legs around his waist and squeeze him while the surprise makes him yelp and cough.
He tries to move my legs, but realising their strength he reaches down and tickles my exposed ribs and I collapse into a giggly pile.

Then I run my hand down his furry body and reach for his rock hard cock. I wrap my fingers around just below the head and squeeze its length in my fist. HIs body jerks and his back tries to arch but can't under the weight of my body.
He reaches for my cock as I slowly rub his shaft, up and down. He grips tightly and starts stroking it as I roll a little onto my back to give him more access. I bite my lip and my eyes roll as he plays gently with my hard cock.
Quickly he jets out of bed and grabs a bottle. He pours a little oil on his hands, on his cock and then onto mine.
"Macadamia" he says, referring to the oil.
Its a nice replacement for the normal synthetic lubes and crap that get all sticky and messy, this stuff makes everything run smoothly but still leaves enough friction to keep things interesting.

Suddenly his attention goes back to my dick. He grabs my cock and and pumps it a few times, spreading more oil along its length. Im lying on my back as he throws a leg over and sits on my stomach, trapping my cock between his ass checks behind him. He starts to bob up and down while playing with his cock in front of me. I reach up and press my finders against his ass and perineum. He jumps up and down faster and faster, the sweat starting to roll down his chest and abs matting his hair against his skin.
"Man I just wanna fuck you right now!" Im looking up at his bulk as his chest heaves under his breath. "Lets suite up and do this!" I say instructing him to go get the rubbers. He cracks one open and rolls it onto my cock (Turns out that the 'Magnum" brand don't hurt or pinch as much as the ones I usually use, I'm learning all the time!).
He gets on his back and looks up at me as I approach. "Slowly" he says pointedly. If I want to....was all I thought as I started to jam my cockhead in his tight whole. Turns out slowly was the only way I was going to get inside this guy, but that was fine because with each extra inch I could see his head roll and his eyes goggle. He has a massive vein in his head that just started to pulse and bulge when I got all the way in, his head turning red as I started to pump his ass.

I lifted his back and shoved a pillow under there to make my way easier. In and out I slid while he swung furiously on his cock. The redness made its way down his neck and across his broad and thick chest.
His biceps bulged with the pump of working his cock so furiously as I grabbed his hips and drove deeper and deeper into his body.
He's moaning and groaning while I can say nothing my pant as the cock rejoiced at the sensation of this tight, tight ass playing at my shaft.
The sweat collects in pools on the ridges of his abs as our two sweats mingle on his body.
He starts gasping out and lets go of his cock as I drive into him from a lower angle, hitting him differently inside.
I grab his cock to start playing with it, knowing he is close. He clams both hands around mine and locks tight, preventing me from moving at all. He pants up at me breathlessly, "Im going to cum!". He tries to regain control of his breathing.
"Thats the point..." I reply digging into him deeper. His head rolls as it slams against the bed head as I aggressivly work him over.
He reaches for his dick and after a couple of pumps he yelps out "argh, argh, gar argh!!" and spews his hot cum down his hand and across the fur on his abs.

We lie together his head resting in the crook of my arm as we chat and chat. For hours we lie there nakid and just hanging out together. He's a supper nice guy and we get along great.

The next day I message him. "We gotta do that again."
"Fuck yeah, your hot shit!" Was his relpy.....

Things that make me smile....

2007-03-15T11:54:00.000+11:00

Ah yes... my ego. It gets a little bigger everyday.....

Overheard at the gym:

Guy1: "God, fuck! Look at the size of him."
Guy2: "Fuck man, he's huge. Look at the veins in his arms!!"

I start looking around for some big, beefy, hot guy with great arms...(Seriously I was actually looking for him!) when Guy1 catches my eye and asks, "How much DO you weigh??"

They were talking about me!! I was being checked out by two straight dudes.... Ah my ego felt as pumped as my shoulders (which I slogged that night)....

Playing with some All American BEEF....

2007-03-14T12:26:00.000+11:00

"You look so damn sexy!"
Thats how it started.... my conversation with the Muscle American. We'd actually spoken before...like 2 years before when he first his here in Aussie land and posted his profile on Gaydar.

He hadn't changed much in that time, he was still a hot as hell masculine American with a massive solid body.

As usually happens with my profile, I had posted new pics. So the guys who weren't paying attention I looked like a whole new guy for them to play with. That doesn't really bother me, Im just as subjective with my judgments of other peoples profiles. (They have to say something truly profound to make up for some dodgy photos...)
But anyway, this guy doesn't remember chatting to me, so I don't mention it. He is straight to the point and wants to fuck. I like that style, and I like that attitude.

We kinda banter really slowly over the next couple of days or maybe even a week about how we want to play and how hot I am, how hot he is..... It gets really worked up between us.

The problem is, he's stuck holidaying in Queensland. The day before he gets back he sends me a message..... "Im back tomorrow, you avail?"
I wasn't then but I send back a message that Id be up Sunday night. That he should be ready to fuck.

Sunday comes and I knock on his door. He opens it and smiles broadly at me. He's a little shorter then me at maybe 5'7/5'9 but packed full of thick rugby style muscle. Just real masculine, sexy, fury, mans man kinda bulk. My cock starts to get ready in my loose fitting cargos.
He opens the door and beckons me in, he shakes my hand like real men do when they meet each other (Im not in Europe, I don't kiss cheeks...). So we shake hands and then step back, he is just pepped. Bouncing around and excited to see me like a dog whose been left alone all day. I grab the back of his neck and pull him in to kiss him deeply, exploring his mouth with my tongue.
"Nice!" is what I say as we start to chat about the trip up, his holiday, finding the apartment building. All the while he's stripping clothes and moving step by step back towards the bedroom.
He stands in front of the bed fully naked as I stride across the apartment to meet him there.
"Thats unfair!" He looked me up and down mischievously, "I've taken all my clothes off....and your still fully clothed!"

I smile at him and reply, "And what are you going to do about it?" as I lift my hands into the air. Mr Texas takes the hint and grabs my shirt to pull it off over my head. He gets half way up my torso when he stops to rub his hands over my newly (and ever improving) ripped abs. I break his concentration by ripping the shirt off the rest of the way and reaching for my belt.
He's taken the hint thus far tho and is enjoying the job of stripping me of my clothes.... he pushes my hands out of the way and attacks my pants with gusto. Soon they are a crumpled mess on the floor and I stand there in tight briefs. Sheya, they don't last long and soon my rapidly expanding cock is lengthening down my leg and starting to lift away from my body.

The Love affair continues....

2007-03-12T17:09:00.000+11:00

I was in My emerald city last night on a last minute muscle fuck mission to work out some agression some steriod pumped muscle dude had pent up. (Posting that story shortly)

And after that was all said and done I took my meal out to Mrs Macquaries Chair and sat watching the city breath in front of me. Absolute quite and a gentle breeze, the city looks so magical like a true emerald city where all the questions are answered and the story finds its happy ending.

Im still in love with this city, no matter how it plays hard to get, how much of a struggle finding my way there has been and continues to be..... I love it.
I tend to take photos like these when Im get moved by something, I can see the emotion I was feeling in each one.... God I can't wait to move Sydney.

Then I went out to Bondi to do my cardio.... And today I am calm. And ready to find MY job.

Busted!!!

2007-03-11T12:59:00.000+11:00

I still can't believe who I just saw gunning his Merc towards my home town.... Alex Perry!!

I was doing my morning cardio (Im down to a 30" waist!!) and I was walking across the offramp from the Expressway and Alex Perry's shinny black CLK Merc rumbled around the turn and gunned towards the town center. I nearly ran into a pole as I did a 360 degree turn watching his car trying to work out if it was him.....

I mean seriously?? What the hell is a fashion icon and really influentially cool designer doing in this town??

What to do when your not getting any....

2007-03-10T15:05:00.000+11:00

I have found a new favourite website. It comes just in time for another of my 'too busy to fuck' dry spells....

Its called MyMuscleVideo.com and its like YouTube for muscle videos.... (Yeah! I know! Its like they read my mind...)

Anyway, I suggest you check it out because this site is shit hot!!

Just check out one of the guys who recently uploaded his video....

I love the legs, the vascularity of them... I dig the masculinity of the tats and the hardcore look this guy has got going on. I also dig the fact that he's posing to Justin Timberlake (because thats so damn gay) and I drool over the fact that this guy is soooo into showing off that his package just gets bigger and bigger the more he admires his own form..... That's fucking hot!!

Lost blogger reporting in....

2007-03-10T15:03:00.000+11:00

I've been for an interview!! I can't believe the job that Im close to getting, its insanly perfect for me in terms of what I get to do, what I get to experience and how much I get to make. (Cha-Ching!!!)

The hard part is not getting too excited or attached to what I would describe as a perfect job. Not shutting down my other options while I wait to hear back on this one job. But Im terribly excited!!

I've been very focused at the moment on finding a job and sticking with my training. Ive been invited to compete in a new federation so Ill be on stage perhaps twice more this year then previously thought.

This also means that Im seriously lacking in the action dept. Sad for me..... Sad for you.

The week after the morning before the night after...

2007-03-06T10:35:00.000+11:00

Well..... That was fun...

As the Aussie Bloggers start coming back online and posting their accounts of Mardi Gras I can't help but have a huge smile on my face.

I love Mardi Gras, in every respect. I love what it says, what it allows us to say and how we get to do it.
I love the mainstream coming to meet us half way. Like an acknowledgment or validation.

I love the lazy Sunday I give myself to recover from the night before, just a day of lounging and eating and reading. No gym, no cardio, no schedule, no deadlines, no obligations and no disappointments.
A day of reflection of all the things I've just done.

After thinking I wouldn't be watching the parade (I never have, Im always making the commute up from my town getting ready for the party) I was invited to the party all my mates were going to... A roof terrace overlooking the Oxford St route. An amazing vantage point to watch the whole thing pass by. I met amazing people who were all in great moods. Drinking, eating, laughing and living.

The party itself was AMAZING. Firstly, I looked godamn HOT in my grass skirt. Like all buff and ripped, which is a big call from me.
I felt great.
The music was hot, the dance floors were hot, the guys were SMOKING HOT!

Mardi Gras 2007 .... Two thumbs up.

Azure in retrospect (beyond the politics)...

2007-03-01T12:19:00.000+11:00

Azure. What a party.
Through all the controversy and the politics and the ramifications I had a fantastic night.

I had lunch and packed my cargo pants with the necessary protein bars to get me through the rest of the day. I headed up the mountain and in towards the city. The clouds blackened and bellowed closer as I approached the city.
By the time I had parked and was walking towards my friends apartments the rain was lightly drizzling down, wetting the ground and the enthusiasm.
After chatting around for an hour or two, waiting for the stragglers to arrive so we could head down to the harbor to start the party.
By the time we hit the street the sunglasses are out and the sun is trying its damnedest to break through the cloud cover as patches of blue appear but quickly dissapear again.
Ive never been to the Harbour Party and was greatly looking forward to seeing what had been described to me over and over again as one of the most visually stunning party in the world.... and you gotta admit it, thats one hell of a call.
So as we passed the much commented on police patrols, and sniffer dogs through the entry gates we passed by the upper area party area and headed down the rainbow lit pathways towards the waters edge.
The ridges of gum trees surrounding the path cleared and the first views of the dance floor sprawled below us. Giant lighting towers framed the dance floor that jutted from the face of the cliffs below us out to the harbor wall.
Beyond the dance floor was the gently rolling azure blue waters of Sydney harbor connecting us with the city on the other side.
The towers and offices of the CBD rise out from the dense trees of the botanical gardens on the far edge of the harbor. And to one side, the Sydney Opera House and Sydney harbor Bridge glinting with damp as the sun started to poke through the loosening cloud cover.
The music pumped loud and the thin crowds who had started to converge on the site stood about bopping to the tunes and catching up with mates.
The atmosphere was excitingly friendly and joyous. I was so excited to be there and the smiles everywhere suggested that I wasn't the only one.

As the crowds formed on the massive dance floor and the sun made its way behind the clouds towards the horizon of highrise buildings a moment happened. Like a freeze frame that was designed as a memory for everyone to keep.
The music was building, it was housey and funky. Wherever you were you could feel a flash of warmth accross your skin as suddenly in an explosion of gold the clouds broke wide open and for the first time the suns rays shone across the harbor onto the party site. The golden rays bouncing off the tall glass buildings like giant disco balls.... the golden force hitting the crowd making everyone turn towards the heat as a giant cheer came up from the crowd overpowering the blaring sound system, as if everyone realised in a moment that this was the moment that they would remember.....at least I did.
The moment where life is good, all is right. Breath.

What a great party.

**Picture credit to chrisgeary.com (Azure 2006)

Classic call of the day....

2007-03-01T11:32:00.000+11:00

I read this today and couldn't stop laughing.... This is classic liturature (almost poetic really).

"I'll gladly bury my face in a guys ass for a week at a stretch without coming up for air but show me a female pudenda and all I can do is conjure an image of something that looks like a greasy corned beef sandwich and that smells like mustard sardines in a can and I'm ready to spew.
Anyway...."

-- Scott (Billinexile.com)

Amen brother...

Brash decisions and ultimate regrets...

2007-02-27T16:19:00.000+11:00

Despite the drama that ended Azure prematurely something else also went down..... I agreed to carry out what Ill describe as pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever agreed to do.

My outfit for Mardi Gras has been confirmed..... its a grass skirt with speedos underneath. Thats it.
I get to wear runners, and a lei.

What have I done? I'm one of those guys who doesn't even take his shirt off in a nightclub.

But I felt someone had to step up to help my mate who put the outfits together only to have his partner pull out.
All that hard work and hurt feelings, I couldn't let him be that disappointed. (He flew the skirts in and had a seamstress modify them and retrofit Velcro to them....)
See, I am a big old softy at heart..... Just don't tell anybody.

So if y'all see a bearded idiot strutting around in a grass skirt laugh at us, because I sure as hell will be laughing at myself.

Happy Mardi Gras.

The Azure Reaction...

2007-02-26T15:50:00.000+11:00

Ah... so as the dust settles around the wreck that will be the Azure aftermath we start to see the rumors and truths of what happened last night come to light.

This was my first Azure party (which I will post about in a more possitive light tomorrow) so I was a little confused when I noticed the fade out at exactly 9pm last night.

For me the questions keep coming.....

But first the quick background.
Azure is an outdoors party held on the foreshore of the majestic Sydney harbor overlooking the two sides of the city, the opera house and the harbor bridge. Whilst a completely separate entity to the Mardi Gras organisation the event is held the weekend before and some might say a highlight, un-missable party.
First suggestions of trouble came as people streamed through the front gates having passed by Police drug sniffer dogs to find more dogs inside the party working the assembling crowds.
The party went on until 9pm when the music stopped under a court order. The story unravels from there.....

So the questions-----

What does this mean for the main Mardi Gras events??
In my mind, nothing will stop the drugs at what may be called the largest series of dance parties in the southern hemisphere. So can we expect a similar pre-midnight shutdown of the venues?

I also can't help but wonder when the organisers knew about the court order? Did they know the show was going to be shutdown earlier that afternoon? Did they know sometime Last week?

Why did the music levels fall do dramatically at 6pm? The sound levels dropped so low you couldn't hear the words in the songs.... It seemed weird. Of course when Shigeki's set started the sound levels went all the way back up to 'fuking rocked out' (which I believe is just after the '10' on the volume dial)

What kind of backlash are we going to see from the Gay community towards whomever turns out to be the villain in this instance? It shall be interesting to see what kind of actions the powers that be take in relation to parties of the straighter variety.

Although I really do think that this is really what caused it all. I do know that the risk assessment for Sounds on Sunday (where one person died of drug related complications) called for a single police officer to be provided by NSW police. This may be an ass covering reaction from the powers.
I think this interview with Ray Hadley may have been the catalyst for this reaction. Ray Hadley is going for blood on this and I think the Police and NSW Government could not afford to loose face with a media personality with such power and influence held by Ray Hadley.

Listen to the interview

here.

The interesting part comes about half way through when Ray Hadley interviews Phil Rodgerson, Detective Superintendent for NSW Police. Ray rips this guy to strips.

In the light of this media attention, the Government couldn't let the image of non-action continue. They needed to react somehow. Whether this was the appropriate action is yet to be seen.

Narcissus gets kicked out of a gym.... (AKA Miami Beatdown)

2007-02-25T12:10:00.000+11:00

Okay, so here's the story of how I got kicked out of a gym...... (And I think you'll find its a lot less amazing or interesting then your expecting....) Especially you Drewby, you like your men tough don't you???

Anyway, it's Miami Beach. A beautiful sunny day and Im jetting around the town soaking in the famous and truly amazing Miami atmosphere.
Miami is also known for its fair share of rather large Bodybuilding names and that makes this town rock even harder.
So I find a gym that Ive heard about through the bodybuilding grapevine that I traverse the edges of and settle in to commit a harry carry effort of a chest workout using these amazing old school weights and machines, surrounded by amazingly HUGE men sweating buckets and grunting/groaning like they are all partaking in a group orgy.
This was a serious gym, which meant not very social. It was friendly and all with guys spotting each other and all but they were here to work...so we all went about our business.
So I finished with my monster chest workout and was feeling PUMPED!!! Nothing like working next to some of the biggest guys in the world to make you life like a motherfuck, but my chest was straining against my sweat soaked T-shirt and I felt pretty invincible. I was moving on to do my abs and cardio when I walk in on a commotion in the back room where all the ab stuff was.
Some abercrombie style guy was yelling at his girlfriend who was just standing there tears rolling down her face. I don't know what they were arguing about but the guys tone was outrageously aggressive and she kept physically cowering away from the guy. It didn't feel right.

And then he hit her.

She yelped like a scorned puppy and started to back away, he followed her. And thats when I stepped in.

I can't exactly remember what happened. It was all quite quick.
But I know the following happened:

- I suggested to him that that was not how you treat a lady.
- He told me to mind my own business.
- I suggested to him quite firmly that I was making it my business.
- He told me that he wasn't afraid to take down a guy like me.
-I suggested that he calm down and fuck off.

At this stage we were quite close together. Neither backing down. He couldn't find the words to express himself any further so he punched me across the face with his fist.
Now, despite this guys obvious tendencies towards physical confrontation I still wasn't as prepared for this event as one may expect.
I reeled around spitting blood and the half tooth he broke. It fucking hurt like a motherfucker. You know that kind of pain where your eyes well up not so much because your going to cry for your Momma but because of how fuking worked up, deep down neolithically angry you are that someone just hurt you??
With blood running down my lips and neck mixing with the sweat on my T-shirt I picked the fucking asshole up, one hand around his throat the other gripping the belt in his jeans.
(The guy was maybe 5'8" abercrombie ripped and maybe 70kgs or so...I dead lift nearly 200kgs so this guy was 'light')
Once in the air I threw him against a wall, dazed he slid down the wall and landed heavily on his ass. His legs and arms all akimbo around him.

Thats when the gym owner ran in as the crying girlfriend ran out. She stopped momentarily at the door and turned to me, "Thank you". Then she was gone.
The gym owner looked at me, looked at the gym on the floor. He shook his head in a way that made me think he had seen this before.
He looked back at me and said: "You better go now."
I left.

And so now my appointment has been made for my tooth 'reconstruction'. Its in May. So if anybody wants to check out my war wound in the mean time just make me laugh....because there is a big gap in my teeth where a tooth went missing in Miami.

I like the think that girlfriend would have made a permanent split from that guy.... but who knows?

**And guys please don't think Im some kind of violent thug head with some kind of ego or self control issue. This is one of the few times in my life I have had to get violent with someone (When then didn't consent to it in the first place, Like this... )
I don't plan on repeating it anytime soon.

Ahhhh Venting is FUN!!!

2007-02-24T14:40:00.000+11:00

Dear Mr PonyTail,

Hi, how are you? Although you may pretend to not recognise me, I know you know who I am. We go to the same gym at the same time everyday.
I mind my own business and you keep staring at me. Normally, attention is not a problem for me. Im used to it.
But I will say this; if you stare at me until I look in your direction and then you sneer at me, puff out your chest and turn away like I am beneath you one more time, I will break one of you limbs.

I know your comparing our two physiques (I over heard you and your buddy talking). I also know that you are looking in some fucked up mirrors. Because although we may be around the same size in terms of upper body and arms.... I don't have a gut hanging out from beneath my cut too short T-shirt. So stop looking at me with contempt like your dismissing me from your assemblage.

I congratulate you on your diet and loosing so much weight so far, but really until you don't need to suck your stomach in, throw back your shoulders and push out your chest when your doing your comparisons don't bother me.
Especially since you obviously want to show me that you think your bigger and better then me.... here's a hint: Meet me on stage in 10 weeks. Only then can you truly understand how silly your little comparisons are.

But then again you can't, can you? Your 40 year old steroid soaked body wouldn't pass the required tests.... And yes, MotherFucker, I amReally steroid free. I don't care if you don't have what it takes to get to where I am natural, because I do. (And really, is the statement "I couldn't look like that without steroids, so obviously he's smashing them hard..." really an insult to me? Or more likely a expose of how truly clueless you are.)

So, shut the fuck up, stop sneering at me and accept the fact that whilst we are close in many respects you don't even come close in so many others.....

Regards,

NarcissusAU

**Few I feel better now. That guys been shitting me in the gym all damn week. Now I can go and smile at him all cleansed and peacefull....
Which would probably save me from being thrown out of the gym (again!).

Crushing news....

2007-02-19T21:36:00.000+11:00

Im a little disappointed today.
I was meant to have a training session with my bodybuilding coach sometime this week. So I was all ready for him.

I was all tanned up, clipped down to almost hairless and had chosen a particularly playful pair of bathers to wear under my gym clothes for when he inevitably decides to get me to strip in the middle of the gym so we can practice posing. He's not the bashful type.
"If you can't do it here, how can you do it on stage!?"

I was all ready for all of it, but he cancelled and now Im crushed. You see the missing piece of this puzzle is the fact that I have a crush on my bodybuilding coach.
My 40-something, divorced with kids coach. It may have something to do with the fact that his legs are the thickness of my waist and his chest is so big he can't sleep on his side because his back hurts from the weight.

So Im disappointed, he's cancelled because he has an injury and won't be able to train with me.

Oh well....I guess when I do see him next week Ill be in even condition and impress him even more!! Ha, there's my silver lining.

Happy Birthday To SyntheticEgo

2007-02-16T18:05:00.000+11:00

Holy fucking cow!! My first post on this blog was one year ago today.

What a year, who would have thought??
I know a year ago I never thought:

I would be out of work.
Last year I was stuck in my job and in too deep to be able to get out without letting down alot of people. I was stuck and I didn't like that feeling. This blog was an outcome of that, an escape everyday where I could relive all of the better parts of my life away from that goddamn office.

So Many people tune in to read my stories.
Last year I started writing this blog so I could feel as though something I was doing counted. I was hooked on a few blogs and they made life sound so adventurous, fun and sexy. I wanted life to be like that. It wasn't about having thousands read my blog, I remember jumping out of my office chair when I realised that a whole 10 people had checked out my post for that day. Today tens of thousands of people every month read my posts and provide feedback to my life. And I deeply honestly appreciate every single one who comes and spends some time here.

Im a goddamn bodybuilder.

A year ago I hadn't even realised I could compete! Now I sit here a year later staring at the trophies on my shelf and in training for a National Title!! I never would have thought or imagined or even dreamt about being a bodybuilder. Now Im a competitive athlete. That blows my mind.

I've performed as a DJ to a public audience.

I've been playing with music and spinning records in my home studio for a few years. But only ever did it for my own enjoyment and bringing a little bit of the nightlife I enjoyed in my Emerald City home to the hills. I never would have thought a year ago that I would have spun a set in one of my home town's premier venues to a crowd of friends and strangers.

I've traveled through America and lived in Venice Beach.

A year ago I was stuck. I couldn't even take a day off work. No how. A year ago I would never have thought that the first thing I would do after I quite was to travel. But off I went, I spend two months in a country that changed me so completely. I spend a month living in an apartment on one of the most beautiful beaches of the planet and reinvigorated my vision of who I was and what I was truly passionate about.

I have spent an entire year without feeling love.

A year ago I don't think I was thinking about things like this. But if I had Im sure that I wouldn't have thought that I spent an entire year without feeling any kind of connection with anyone. To the point where I became worried that I wouldn't be able to love. And Im not talking about the love I have with my family, thats just a different thing. Im talking about the lazing in bed, kissing because its fun, spending time together doing nothing, fucking over and over and over kind of love.

I found some heroes and role models.

A year ago I was struggling to aspire. I feel that for me to be truly successful and happy I need rolemodels and see people doing what things that are reflective of my life. A lot of life is based on seeing how other people do things and using that as a way of making decisions for themselves.
A year ago I was struggling to find anyone who I could look to as inspiration and mentoring. Sure there were people who were successful in business and bodybuilding and life and so on.... but no one who really struck a chord with being a reflection of who I was or could be. No one who resounded with me to who I could identify with being a strong, passionate and happy gay man. A year ago I thought that was likely to keep happening. Until in an unlikely place, for an unlikely trip I met a couple of heroes and found some rolemodels. And that helped me so much as I move through trying to workout where my life is going right now.

I found happiness.

A year ago I would never have thought that I would so quickly find happiness. I also found frustration, excitement, joy, hope, anticipation.... The feelings of life which were all blocked a year ago by the level of stress which shut down who I was. And now a year later, I can say I feel a lot more.

And look forward to the next year. Who knows what Ill be saying "I never thought" to next year. All I know is that its going to be one hell of a ride.
So wishing Syntheticego.blogspot.com a happy birthday! (What did y'all get me for a birthday present? Is it a pony?)

Bad mood....

2007-02-15T10:01:00.000+11:00

Everyone is ducking for cover. My pets are staying away. My parents are keeping their distance.

I am in a bad mood!!

Ive been fairly stormy for a couple of days now.... Im trying to get out of it because I hate feeling dark but I just can't shake it.

I think I better find some tough guy this weekend to play with so we can try beat the crap out of each other... I wonder where all my fighting buddies are this weekend??

In the mean time Ill just try to get myself out of this bad mood..... and the best way todo that? Duh! PORN.

Tell me you don't feel better about life after watching this?:

Thank me later...

Listen in Dancing Fiends!!

2007-02-13T13:09:00.000+11:00

Okay, so I like music. Dance, trance, house, rock, pop, rnb come to mind.

I also workout a bit. Between 4 and 5 hours a day.... so I tend to get very bored of the music on my Ipod.

Recently Ive been listening to a London DJ's podcast. The music is hot and uplifting. Just the right tempo and intensity so you can listen to it anytime.

Well, turns out that not only is his music choice and mixing talents unquestionable but DAMN he is HOT!!!

And Im not just talking "Hmmm yeah? Okay I can see that...." kinda hot. Im talking "Get the handcuffs and strip...right now" kinda sexy.

Example:

So check out his mixes here and subscribe to his service, its awesome.....

Funky London @ Podomatic

Muscled laugh...

2007-02-13T11:07:00.000+11:00

I was looking for a Youtube clip of two guys workingout to go with the post below.... I didn't find one, but I found this and laughed so hard I woke my god up. (And I have a Very LAZY dog!)

"Do you beleive in Angels??"
"I do now..."

HAHAHAHAHA! ROFL.......

So god damn Inconsiderate!!!

2007-02-12T21:50:00.000+11:00

So I've just gotten back from the gym, to tell ya the truth my t-shirt is still dripping and there's a puddle on the floor under my desk...but Im just too wrecked to change. (It was a legs day)

So I ran into a couple of mates at the gym today (one of whom is the mate who a recent fuck reminded me of...Mentioned here and here)

So anyway, Ive been noticing both of them getting a little bit broader and lifting a little more weight the last couple of weeks, but when I saw them today they were massive.
GODAMN those inconsiderate FUCKERS!!! They are on a steroid cycle!!

This always happens to me, just when Im loosing weight and starting to shrink into insignificance the people around me all start to slam on the roids and just rub it in.....

Mind you, with both of these guys looking a hella alot more buff.....there are some new dudes to checkout when Im working out... hehehehe (Ah, and there's the silver lining!)

Psychic Premonitions

2007-02-12T12:08:00.000+11:00

So I went a saw a psychic the other day. Whilst Im not sure that I can 100% believe in these people and their "power" or "connections" she totally picked up on some stuff that was incredible enough to make me take notice of what she was saying.

Well anyway, apparently its going to be another 3-4 months before I get a job. (But when I do it will be the ultimate job that I've ever wanted)

So what the hell am I going to do for 3 months?? Money isn't really a problem (although I will have to be more careful on where my money goes), boredom is going to be a problem, and so is the thought of not being truly productive for that whole time....

Hmmmm, what can I do?

How exactly does one get into making money by writing porn? Maybe I should try selling drugs or McDonalds? Maybe I should start advertisements on this site, make this a business? Hmmmmmm

Any thoughts?

Weekend Playtime....Guy Three...(Concluded)

2007-02-12T12:07:00.001+11:00

He sucks my dick deep into his throat and then pulls back as his tongue unleashes a flurry on the tip of my cock. His talented attention to my cock made my head roll back as I held my body off the bed, leaning on my elbows behind me. Meanwhile, one of his free hands had a tight grip wrapped around the top of my sac, pulling and twisting my nuts with each slurp and suck on my dick. His other hand made its way along my inner thighs and along to my ass. He gently pressed his fingers against the hole and probed around the edges of my ass. The pleasure waves rampaged through my body, when his hand got to my ass and pressed against my puckered ass I let me arm collapse from beneath me and I went crashing down to the bed. Fully reclined this guy worked over my dick, balls and ass with total skill and dedication.

I grab his head and pull him up my body and upto my face where I kiss him deeply. I can smell my sweaty ball sweat smell all around his mouth and that drives me crazy. He gets up on the bed over the top of me. A knee either side of my prone body.
His cock is sitting on my abs, pointing up towards my face. I grab it and use the precum that oozes from the end to lube up his whole shaft. He rocks his hips back and forth on my torso as I pump him up and down.
I wrap my fist around his cock and balls in one big handfull. I pump his whole package up and down as the sweat starts to collect on his hairy pecs and run down his furry abs to land on my chest and abs.
His head rolls back and then snaps forward as he suddenly hunches over and pushes my hand out of the way. He grabs his cock and I feel the droplets of cum spray across my abs and legs as he shivers and grunts hunched over me.
He leans back again showing his cock with just a single drop of cum hanging off the end of his red and softening cock.

He gets off my legs while I pump my cock. He stands on the floor between my legs which hang over the edge of the bed. He grabs my cock and starts pumping, pushing my hand out of the way as his other grabs for my nuts which he pumps independently. He roughly tugs and pulls my balls, punishing them almost as he works my cock. My hips lift and sink on the bed as I get closer and closer. He starts double pumping my cock and just slowly and tightly pulls my balls in a single downward motion until I cum across my abs, chest, the bed and the wall behind us.
He stands, smiles. Slews the sweat off his heaving chest with a single sweep of his hand and wraps the towel around his narrow waist.
Then he leaves.
I lie there a moment, catching my breath and just chillaxing before getting up.

I wrap my towel, go for a shower then hit the nightclubs with some mates. These mates don't know that this weekend is my cancer free celebration because I never told them I underwent treatment.
They thought I was particularly happy and fun. (They thought I was on drugs)
But I was just satisfied and happy.
And free to party in my Emerald City. And Oh what a party!!

What are these people thinking of???

2007-02-11T13:29:00.000+11:00

Hehehehe, I was just checking out my site visitor information and thought that it was funny that someone made it to my site using the search term in Google;

"How to make synthetic cum?"

How many uses can you think of for synthetic cum??

Weekend Playtime....Guy Three

2007-02-10T00:53:00.000+11:00

Third Guy:

So I continue my hunt on the floor of the spa. I spend a bit of time checking out the porno (which is just getting worse as the day/night drags on).
Then this guy darts around a distant corner and catches my eye. Deep, deep tan and huge wide shoulders first catch my eye. This guy is built wide and tall, a great looking stud with a shaved head and 5 o'clock shadow.
Again furry along his torso and abs. This guy more so then the last. A nice flat stomach and a sexy heaving chest. At first he moved quickly and darts down the corridors and around the open spaces. He kinda makes me think he's "Speeding" along and I don't tend to play with guys like that. They are in a different place to a non-drugged up dude and never really works out for either person, so as hot as he was I kinda wrote him off as just being drug fucked.

However, over the next period of time we end up playing a game of cat and mouse. We would pass close to each other moving past each other in the corridors, the size of our two torsos meaning there was little space would pass between us and the sexual energy kept increasing each time. Suddenly he would be in an area where I was hanging out then I would run into where he was. Soon enough we were cornered together. I looked at his face, he wasn't off his face, he was just nervous.
We head to a room and he steps in close grabbing at my fast growing cock. He raises an eyebrow in what I take to be appreciation/approval and I go for his towel.
I rip it off him and go for his cock. I get a big handfull of meat in my hand and start to pump up and down as he rocks his body back and forth in time with the motion.

We kiss momentarily as I grab him and head to the bed. I push him down and get up next to him on the bed. I press my weight over his torso and he's pinned into position while I grab his cock and suck it down. His body tries to jerk and bounce beneith me but he is held in place by my weight.
His head rolls and he moans deep. He relaxes into slow deep growling as I work his cock with spit and attention. Suddenly he jerks up and sharply pushes my head off his cock.
He stands up and disappears between my legs as he grabs my cock and sucks it deep into his throat.

Weekend Playtime....Guy Two...(Cont)

2007-02-09T11:38:00.001+11:00

At this stage I should also explain to you that not only was this guy TOTALY my type, but he also had quite an accent. Its was Greek/Mederterainian with a strong Aussie twang over the top of it. Just like a mate of mine at the gym.
He sounded just like this guy who I help out in the gym. And that just drove me wild!!
So I push him over the bed so he's bent at the hips, chest to the mattress presenting his ass for me to use.
I grab some more lube and run my finger over his hole as he twitches at the touch. I stick one finger in slowly probing around followed slowly with a second digit. He's moaning slightly and pushing his body back and forth as I run my fingers around and watch him jump and react.
His dick is stuck between his abs and the padded bench he's bent over so every-time he jerks back and forth in reaction to me playing with his ass his cock gets a rub from the bedding.
He moaning gets louder. Its time to step this up and start the real fun.
I lube everything and gift wrap my cock. I poke my cock in and out of his hole a couple of times as he starts to get more and more insistent on me driving into him and starting the fuck.
He reaches behind him to grab my hips and try to pull me into him. I hold his arms down and steadily slide my cock all the way in, all the way to the hilt. As I push in further and further his back arches and his fingernails claw into the mattress.
His head drops hanging from his shoulders rolling around as I slowly pull back out and plunge deep again, pushing against his prostate. A few more pumps and I grab his shoulders pulling him up so he's standing in front of me. My cock impaling him as I wrap my arms around his chest and tight abs holding him close to me. He looks back over his shoulder and I lean down towards his face and we kiss as I push in and pull out in short strokes. (Being taller really was a benefit in this position).
We kiss slopily until I push back in hard and his head drops away and he groans again. Falling back towards the bed he pushed back and slams himself hard onto my cock.
He gets up on the bench and rolls over while my cock is still jammed in his ass. Now he's lying on his back and I can see his face and his muscled body heavy with heavy breath and shean with sweat starting to collect in his masculine fur and drip in rivulets down the valley between his pecs collecting for a moment in the groves of his abs before running down his flanks.
This is a SEXY fuck.
He's looking up at me and he smiles hard.
"You have an amazing body" he said, while reaching up to grab my pumped up arms, pawing at my biceps and running his finger along the veins wrapping around the muscle.
I shove my cock deeper into his ass and lean back reaching up and throwing down a double biceps pose. I feel his ass close down tight around my cock as he reaching for his own dick in a flurry of masturbation.
"Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" was all he said. I pumped him harder and harder as the sweat started to roll off my body and land on his prone torso.

He askes "do that again. Do that thing with your arms again!" I pump one arm in front of him and then the other. I rub the muscle with my hand, smearing the sweat and rubbing in the shine of the lube.
"Fuck" he says again, in that sexy accent. He reaches up in a passionate thrust and grabs my neck pulling my face to his. He kisses me deeply as his other hand squeezes at my shoulder and arm. I pump him harder and harder while grabbing at his cock to add to the pleasure sensation.
He lets go of my neck and starts to roll over. He stops on his side and lifts one leg in the air exposing further his hole. In reaction to this I plunge deeper and harder into his waiting ass while he takes a huge hit of Amyl and goes bezerk with his cock in a flurry of sweat and lube.

Again he rolls over so he's perches on knees and hands. I grab the back of his neck and push it to the mats. He goes bezerk with moans and groans as the change of angle hits just the right spot deep inside his body.
He looks up at me and says "I want to suck your dick".

I pull out of him and strip the rubber. He grabs me and direct me to the bed. He jumps between my legs sucking my throbbing cock down his throat. He sucks me hard while running his hands along my body and up and down my legs. As he touches my quads I flex them. He stops sucking and just sits back playing with my muscles as I flex them for him.
"Your body is amazing, your muscles are so big" He is genuinely in awe of my body, like he'd never seen anything like it so close. Which I thought was super ironic, since he basically had the same proportions to me just less cut and 5" shorter. But all this attention was really turning me on. (Well there is a reason y'all know me as Narcissus!!)
Again he returns to sucking my dick. He pulls down on my balls and I launch a massive spray of cum in the air. Pulse after pulse of white hot seamen stream across the bed and the wall.
Panting and heaving from the orgasm I reach for him and pull him close, I suck down his cock and after a few bobs of my head he pulls away from me and backs towards the wall, cock in hand. Cum dibbles from his cock and drips onto the floor. His body heaves and the shine returns as sweat covers his flushed form.
He smiles, thanks me and leaves.... I shower and to the hunt. This is after all a celebration weekend and Im a very horny boy.

Weekend Playtime....Guy Two

2007-02-08T12:22:00.000+11:00

I head to Plan B also known as my local spa. Talent everywhere.
I strip, wrap a towel and check myself out in the mirror before heading upstairs to do a lap and see who's here tonight.

Second Guy:
He walks up the stairs and walks down the corridor furthest away from me. Its only a glimps but my cock sees more then my eyes do as it jumps under my towel and my balls get a tingle through them.
From that instant I could see a dark european, short build but thickly muscled. Chunky is how I usually describe them. Its that muscle look where they arn't fat but the muscles aren't ripped either. A full rounded firm muscle with great shape and form. I wait for him to complete his loop which will bring him out to the foyer area in which I was standing watching some seriously heinous porn.

He appears and I openly and obviously check him out. Full chest and proportionate arms, a slightly rounded stomach but with a solid and thick sixpack tapering down under his towel which slung suggestivly low over his crotch. I smiled and raised an eyebrow, "Hell yeah!" was what I was thinking.... I made eye contact and he walked off. I followed after him, after he got around the corner away from the crowds he stood back against the wall. I stood in front on him my chest perhaps an inch from his. He smiled and I grabbed his head and held his mouth to mine as I started to deeply kiss him and run my free hand down his chest, across his abs then around his waist to tightly grab an ass check pulling his whole body closer to mine.

Grinding two cocks together we realise this should be taken behind doors. I direct him to an open door, we go in and he reaches for the light dimmer. (Now this is the test. Im a turn the lights up kind of guy, alot of guys prefer to mess around in the darkness.) He turns the dim light up and quickly the room is filled with light as I drink in this man's uber masculine body and presence in the room. His chest and abs are covered with very close clipped hair and he stands naked moving closer into me, going straight for my towel.

He moves in close to my body, I can feel his heat radiating against my chest and abs. He strips the towel from around my waist and wraps his hand around my half hard cock. He starts to slowly but firmly jerk it up and down. I grab his cock and pull him closer by his cock. I kiss him deeply as I reach behind him and pump some lube into my palm from the dispenser on the wall behind him. I reach down between us and grab his dick with my lubed up hand. He gasps and rolls his head as I run my slick hand up and down his shaft. He can't bear it anymore.

"Do you want to fuck me?"
"Hell yeah...."

Weekend Playtime....Guy One

2007-02-08T11:37:00.000+11:00

First Guy:

So anyway, as you guys could tell from my previous posts I was TOTALLY in the mood of a little bit of celebratory fun. I hit Gayday to see who was up to what and who wanted me to get up them....
As usually happens with Gaydar I got totally distracted from chasing the boys when I started messaging with my friends.... that was until I received a message from a 20-something dude who quite simply said: "Id wrestle you".

Those are actually the top secret code words that launch my cock. Usually they are stored in The Football that the US presidential aid carries, in with all the launch codes to the nukes (and George W's lunch box)...

So anyway we chat back and forth getting more and more edgy, sexy and flirtatious. He has two pics in his profile. Normally not someone I would go for, he's cute and all. Very young looking, a baby face. He obviously hits the gym but by no means would I describe him as "muscular" or even "athletic" .... you could say he looks "fit". But that doesn't matter right now because he is pushing all my fetish buttons saying that he wants to wrestle and fight me in speedos.
Matching up face to face, speedo bulge to speedo bulge and work each other over until the sweat runs off our bodies in sheets, soaking us and our spandex.
And you know what? That will do it every time!

So we plan to meet up out front of Citygym after Id finished my workout (it was a back workout and it was super fantastic!! I was so tight sore and pumped....that always puts me in a happy/horny mood)
So anyways, I swill my protein shake and take a seat with a glossy gay rag and start reading it cover to cover...
An hour later, I give up on him.....he ain't coming.
But Im in my happy place, so this isn't going to burst my bubble.

Weekend to come.....

2007-02-06T10:42:00.000+11:00

How was my weekend??
Well Im not even half way through typing it all up yet.... but here is a preview.

Guy #1:
Internet hookup, wanted to wrestle and fight NHB in tight speedos...

Guy#2:
Muscle Bottom, big full muscles and a willing and tallented ass...

Guy#3:
Rougher and hairy, lean and Tan. Liked to play hard, esp hardcore ball play.... and yall know the kind of mess I make when that happens....

So yes, Im typing my heart out.... Between applying for jobs and fighting with my insurance company.... Ill be with you within the day.... Trust me ;-)

Community Service:- Lessons for all....

2007-01-31T11:23:00.000+11:00

One of my Favourite blogs Bill in Exile is curently running a community service program and posting lessons from his Leather 101 course.

I think this should be a license requirement....you have to prove you've read these before your allowed to buy anything from a leather shop.

A true community service.

Oh and he's hinted at posting pics of himselfin his leather gear... And since Im slightly ga ga over the guy I would like everyone from over here to go over there and keep the pressure on until this masculine hunk of funk bears all, tightly encased in his choice of fetish wear.

Sheeya! He's so damn lickable!! So click now and thank me later....

OuuuuuchhhhhH!!!!!

2007-01-30T15:59:00.000+11:00

What the last thing you want to hear from the nurse about to remove the stitches wrapped around your jugular and holding your head to your neck??
How bout: "Oh...dear....hmmmm.....let me just get some help."

Ah ha.... right, Ill just lie here under this drop cloth you set out in readiness for all the blood splatter thats no doubt to follow.

Next nurse comes in and starts yanking out stitches... "Oh okay, this is fine... Ill just go grab a bigger tool to grab that with. Then we'll give it a good yank. that should work!"

Ah ha....right, Ill just lie here and try not to notice the blood dripping through my beard and down my neck.

My doctor walks in.... "Oh okay, let me just grab this...." yank "you hold that..." yank

At this point I calmly look up at the doctor and ask "is it at this point I get a local??"
"Ah yes, I think I will give you a squirt"
The doctor injects me and recommences yanking and pulling. All I can feel is the dull pulling and twisting of my skin around my neck.

"There we go...." slow pulling motion as a long strip of nylon thread is pulled from my neck "done!"

Thank god for local pain killers!

(And just to let you guys know, these nurses and the doctor are the best money can get. The problem they were having with my stitches was not due to their lack of skill. It was more to do with the fact that the incision was so deep and long......and Id popped a few stiches along the way in the gym....)

But the results are in. The whole tumor was successfully removed and the site is clean. Just a few more tests to come back on the rest of my body and then its the ALL CLEAR.

I think Im going to shave my beard to celebrate. New beginnings and big adventures.

Once again, thanks for all the support and kind words....hopefully soon Ill be able to go out and really "Celebrate" my new cancer free status and give you guys a real story to read. ;-)

Happy Australia Day!!

2007-01-26T14:19:00.000+11:00

Australians all let us rejoice

For we are young and free

We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea:

Our land abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare,

In history's page let every stage
Advance Australia fair

Thanks....

2007-01-25T11:08:00.000+11:00

In my sarcastic last post I did forget to say one thing....

A big THANK YOU to all those people who left me comments and sent me a ton of email wishing me well and chastising me during my recovery. I was amazed and humbled by how many and how much you'all care.

Big special thanks to Sue, Not So Single Guy and Superdrewby for their words and support.

But this bloggers meet up at the Tilbury Hotel in Woolloomooloo has me spinning. It sounds like fun, and I deff like to meet some of my favorite bloggers but then Narcissus wouldn't be so anonymous anymore..... hmmmm dilemma. Ill have to think about that one.....

Things I have learnt...

2007-01-24T12:25:00.000+11:00

This week has been interesting.

Here are some of the things Ive learnt this week:

1) I move my head....alot (and when you have 30+ stitches running the length of your jaw that bitch hurts)

2) I am Pysically addicted to the gym (and have gone through actuall withdrawal symptoms)

3) You will always meet the most inconvienient people at the most incomvienient times (like when I snuck into the gym last night only to turn up face to face with my surgeon in the locker rooms.... He stood there tapping his foot until I left - the gym)

4) When I cum, I never realised but I tense all the muscles in my neck (because that motherfuker hurt like a bitch!!)

5) When you absolutely positively can't go out to play with the boys...is when you absolutely positively will be the horniest you have ever been

6) TV will rot your brain (but I can't stop watching it and now I'm hooked on Project Runway, The Cut, The Tyra Banks Show and the Bowflex commercial - godbless those proud young men who like to flex)

7) Watching guys showoff in a bowflex commercial will make you want to goto the gym even more

8) My dog is more lazy then I am

9) Oh and its ALOT easier to pop stitches then you would think.....and ALOT more painful then you would expect (but I did finish the set of dumbbell curls)

Battered and Bruised....

2007-01-19T21:46:00.000+11:00

Straight up Ill let you guys know this story does not end in orgasm or some sexy story of romance or anything more then me lying here in my bed, neck and head wrapped in inch thick bandages.
And feeling very sorry for myself.

I can't even remember if I mentioned on this Blog that last year I had a little cancer scare. We caught it early and treated it with a new technology and everyone thought it was all okay.
Well, I went back for my follow up, my doctor found a lump in my neck near the original and it turns out....gosh darn it...I have cancer again.
This time the only option was to operate so today I was in theater having a strip of flesh the size of a cigarette lighter removed from my neck .

Im all sewn up and bandaged and painkilled and minus a malignant tumor... although I won't take the full perscription of painkillers because it goes against my ideas of being a drug free dude. But I did cave a little.

But lying here all bandaged and throbbing I realised that I'm gonna have a difficult time over the next couple of days getting to my blog and writing anything of interest. Not to mention the fact that I certainly won't be out playing with the boys this weekend... Im not even allowed to goto the gym!!

So anyway, just letting you guys know that Im not ignoring you, or being boring or anything like that...Im just a little sore.

But the second Im back on my feet you'all have something hot to read because no doubt I will be one horny motherfuck....

Surfie Boy (concluded...

2007-01-18T09:18:00.000+11:00

His head bobs and his fingers play me like an instrument. Pleasure everywhere as he moves and groves his way around my body. He moves with fluent skill seemingly getting off on getting me closer and closer to the edge.
I pull him off me and kiss him deeply, tasting my salty flavor on his lips. Nice.
I pull him towards the bed. He stands on it as I kneel on the padding taking his cock once again into my mouth, I suck down hard and twist his balls. He falls back against the wall as I continue to work his cock reaching up to work on his nipples.
Soon he removes me from his cock and Im lying on my back with him siting on top of me. We kiss deeper and deeper as our hands continue to explore the others body. He runs his fingers from around my balls over my perineum and up the crack of my ass over my ass....playing with my hole with flicks and pressure. His other hand stays steadfast on my abs pushing down solidly.
I run my hands through his wild and curly hair. My hands move down to caress his strong uber-masucline jaw. I pull his face towards mine, we kiss as I flip him onto his back grabbing his cock and falling onto his nipples.
He's already close so I move in for the finishing move. I grab one of his nipples in one hand and twist hard, as he gasps at the sensation that provides I latch onto his left nipple (which I had worked out to be far more sensitive) and biting the flesh between my teeth I used my tongue to flick at the sensitive tip of flesh. Sucking and gnawing I continued to pump is cock in time with pulsation of pleasure running across his body.
I felt his body tighten, his abs popping and the arms running down his arms sprung to life as orgasm racks through his body. He pulls my head off his nipples while he cums instead bringing my face to his as he forces his tongue into my mouth as we kiss deeply while his seed is pumped over our tightly entwined bodies.

He rolls off me and runs his fingers through the strings of cum that cover his tight smooth abs. His breathing returns to normal as he rolls onto his side next to me and grabs my cock with a look of lust in his eyes. He looks like he can't wait to make me cum, and it shows. Soon his magic hands appear as everywhere on my body.
I tell him to treat my balls like I did his nipples. Rough. So he starts gently at first, then harder and harder as my moans and groans get louder and deeper. He pumps my cock more and more. He gets up on his knees and runs his hand over and around my balls and again to my ass where he prods at my ass.... He's bringing me closer and closer.
I roll up to face him on my knees and grab my own cock, kissing him firmly at the same time. With his two hands he grabs my balls and massages the crack of my ass until my hot cum is pumping out of my tight balls and across my stomach, his chest, up onto his shoulder then over his head onto the wall behind.

We crash onto the bed drenched in sweat and cum. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me in tight. We lie there hugging and chatting not wanting to or being able to move, both exhausted from out release.
Lying there next to his perfectly smooth and awesomely lean body I couldn't help but start to run my hands over it.
Smooth and hard as rock, cut and defined his whole body moved and flexed with every breath. I ran my fingers around his nipple and started to gently tweak at it...
I could see his cock which was softly draped over his thigh start to thicken, then roll into an upright position. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
In a quick move I sucked his nipple into my mouth and nibbled in the way had learnt he likes best and quickly beat his cock. His body rocked and jerked as his moaned load and rolled his head back. He grabbed at his cock and started pumping as I worked both of his nipples. Quickly he was groaning deep and low while a second lot of cum spilled onto his hip and trickled down his thigh.
Again we cuddled for a bit before I showered and left.
God he had a hot body!

Grrrr I think Im crushing....

2007-01-16T12:10:00.000+11:00

Okay...now Im going to admit it. Im crushing hard on this guy....
Tony's MuscleGallery.com preview page

Its very rare to find a dude:
1. This age
2. This size
3. That goddamn sexy handsome

Imagine waking up next to that guy. And looking into those eyes and kissing that smile..... arggggh Im morphing into a 14 year old GIRL!!

But watch this and tell me this isn't the sexiest thing there is.

Oh and by the way. This is a fantastic example of EXACTLY how I want to look.... One day (soon)

Surfie Boy...

2007-01-16T11:21:00.000+11:00

Okay first of all....I have to get rid of that video of Tony Breznik. Every time I log on to do something with my blog I totally get distracted by that video and get nothing done. (Well not 'nothing'...but no writing at least.)

But anyway, yesterday was all about the summer I was forgetting to have. You see, ever since I graduated highschool and started working full time Ive never had a summer. I didn't even have a holiday for six years, let alone a summer. I worked so damn hard through the summers only occasionally looking out of my office window wishing I could have a weekend off or even just a day to spend in the sun.... (I know this is the story for a lot of working dudes - and dudeetes- but I was in my 20s summer sun and partying should have been de regur.

So now that I quite my job I would have all summer to play hard and make up for all those missed youthful summer memories. Only problem was, I forgot.
Until yesterday, the sun was out shinning my friend had the day off and so did I....Lets hit the beach!!
We went to Bondi. The sun was shinning and the boys were out in FORCE!!! Damn there are some sexy as hell guys on that beach. Tanned and smooth. With tight asses and big packaged stuffed into the tightest and hottest swimsuits out there.... yum.

Naturally to say, if I wasn't horny already (and by god I was) I was sure as hell horny after.

After the beach I hit the gym. Nothing like a big workout to get the testosterone coursing through my veins.
So I hook up with this guy. Blond curly hair, a really surfer boy look. Tan as deep as it comes. This guys tan was so dark I could still hear him sizzling. Smooth all over not a hair on his tight and ripped body. Wide shoulders cap his lean and vascular arms. His big heavy chest, smooth and round shadows his lean and tight all weather six-pack. (all weather meaning that the cuts on his abs are so deep you can see them all the time. For some guys, their abs only show under certain lighting conditions.....)

So anyway this guy is hot as hell. We kiss. A deep soft, exploring kiss. I brush my hands over his hot body, my cock jumps in anticipation. I run my hand over his chest and across his nipple, he takes a sharp breath in, a gasp.
I smile.
I know what that means. And in an instant Ive pulled away from his lips and have attached myself to his nipple. Sucking the nub into my mouth and softly chomping down on tip of his sensitive nipple. His knees buckle as he falls back towards the wall landing with a thud against the solid support. He's half moaning and half whimpering. Like it feels so good its overwhelming. However you describe the sounds they fuking turn me on so hard. I sink to my knees and devour his cock working his head and shaft while I reach up with my right hand and flick at his chest, sending electric pulses through his body.
He tightly grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me off his cock and back up to his face to kiss me again deep. But there is no way Im leaving those nipples alone. I move back down licking at them before again sucking them into my mouth to work my teeth over the sensitive skin. He starts sinking down the wall, with his head rolled back and staring at the ceiling. I grab his shoulders and direct him to the bed. I push him onto his back and hold his hands down at his sides, then start to really work his nipples as his body wracks and squirms at the sensations coursing through his body. Because Im holing him down and not touching his cock his hips swing wildly trying to get some stimulation to his cock to match the sensations running from his nipples to his balls.
Then in one swift movement I release his nipples and suck down his cock and work it hard and fast, a flurry of hand and mouth working with such ferocity and suddenness his only reaction was for his whole body to go rigid and let out a scream/moan/groan that just drove me wild.
Quickly he rolled away, panting and sweating. He jumps on top of my pinning my hips to the bed and devouring my cock in a single swallow. One hand goes for my balls while the other plays around my asshole... My head rocks back and my body arches off the bed as I let out an all mighty moan as every ounce of my body is wracked by the sensations of pleasure and ecstasy.

Man the Life rafts!!

2007-01-14T13:06:00.000+11:00

Narcissus is Drooling again....

So Im at the gym, doing my thing.... ie lifting heavy weights and sweaty profusely.
Im chatting and being friendly with the boys and just enjoying a long workout on a quite saturday afternoon.
And then HE walks in.... Same age as me, a little taller at maybe 6' but this guy has been on the dark side since he was 17 or 18. Which is YOUNG. But for a guy like him its pretty normal. He wants to be a pro, a real pro. Which means HUGE. As in Oh. My. Fucking. God where has the sun gone? BIG!
Well anyway, while I was overseas in America so was he..... but only we were doing two very different things. He spent a few months over in the US getting the best advice from some of the biggest names in training and 'supplementation'. I expected to see him again and be blown away by his MASSIVE new size. Usually he wears big baggy t-shirts and baggy Adidas sweats so all you really get to see is his massive frame highlighted by his boulderous shoulders before everything else is obscured by baggy clothing... but not on this day.
He came in, smooth skin covered in a perfectly even tan as dark as chocolate (he's Mediterranean in heritage) but today instead of big and baggy he's wearing a perfectly fitted tank top which clung to his ample and heavy chest before skimming his torso not so it was tight but perfectly flowing on his new found waist line...
He was Hot. I nearly died. It was only now that we were all able to see how truly big this boy had become in his advancement into manhood. Massive shoulders with deep separations and pumping veins. Big boulders for biceps and thick triceps that made his arms hang away from his body with their weight and volume.
For the first time in a long time I was faced with exactly the body I want to achieve... Damn it was hot, impressive and oh so FINE!!!
I can't wait till I jump over to his side of the fence..... Just wait till I look like him.... I'll be unstoppable.....

To illustrate the body and the age relationship below is a Video of Tony Breznik who is a 21 year old GOD.

Horay for me!!

2007-01-11T22:14:00.000+11:00

Yay!! My thighs are rubbing together! My legs kinda bow a bit as I walk...almost like a waddle.

Im so excited. I love it when that happens...

And here is a demonstration:

Check out these awesome, amazing, gut churning legs!! Its a video, its hot and amazing and totally, utterly and deffinently NOT ME!! But damn if Im not trying my hardest to get there one day!

Tagged and laid bare....

2007-01-10T14:54:00.000+11:00

Okay, so Superdrewby sent me a zinger!! He tagged me to write about my Goals and Objectives for the coming year.
And Ill be honest. Its hit me for six. (Or "taken me aback" for our American readers...) You would think that at such a crucial and life-changing time in my life (such as where I find myself now) that I would totally know what and where.
But the truth is I don't.

Ive got the passion stuff down easy.
This year Im going to:
- Compete in both regional bodybuilding comps in May.
- Use my qualification to compete at the Australian titles in October.
- After October be ready to begin my switch to the open federations.
- DJ in a live venue again
- Enter some photography comps
- Finish a major creative project

In terms of relationships I really don't know. I know I want to:
- Expand my friendship circle and let more people in.
- Strengthen the friendships I already have.
- Have easier and more casual but more frequent interactions with my friends.

But whether that means I want a boyfriend? I don't know. I think Im at the stage where Im not looking for one. But if one happens to get stuck with me I'd like that too.... but really I don't think any of that will happen until I move out and have my own place.

Which leads me to.... real world goals:
- Get a job
- Move out of home
- Make money and a future

Ah, and there's the rub. After 6 years in my old job Im now have experience in a position that Im not qualified to hold. But in the areas of my double major double degrees I have no experience.
Dilemma. At my age Im really not looking forward to having to go back to the bottom of the heap and work my way up again. I don't mind taking a little bit of a step down in terms of responsibility (and therefore wage) to get into the industry I want but Id really like to not have to go all the way back to zero.

Further to my dilemma, I don't even know what industry I want to go after?? Im university qualified in both the Marketing and Computers/Business Systems industries and my experience is in business financial management.
At this stage Im only applying for jobs which excite me, and fit with what Id like to be doing for a long time moving forward.
(When I get desperate later on then I start on the jobs that I simply qualify for.....)

Overall 2007 is going to be a power year of transformation for me. Up until now Ive had to stay behind and take care of the family. Now Im free from that Im out to start my life and head in the direction that Ive always dreamt of.

And as always, the pursuit of a dream can be a scary thing indeed. Im not afraid of my dreams, just the chance that I may fail at them.
But really, Ive never failed at anything before. Why would I start now?

I hope everyone else out there is psyching up for a big year. Chase passion, embrace change and live life.

Onward.

BTW, Im meant to forward the tag onward to more Bloggers.... but all the guys I know online have already been tagged, and the rest of the guys I read would look at my name and wonder "Who the f*&#k?" So I'll leave it hear and wish everyone else luck in their 2007 searchings....

Oh. My. God.

2007-01-08T11:15:00.000+11:00

I just realised that my Blogger profile starts "An early 20's dude.....blah blah blah....crap crap crap". Now that Im 24 does that mean I have to change that to "A MID 20's dude...blah blah..." Oh god, that sounds so OLD!!
Oh geez.... Im too small to be this old!

Busted!!....By my own honesty....

2007-01-08T11:00:00.001+11:00

So I have to wait for my window to be sent direct from Alfa Romeo.... one of the penalties you pay for driving a less then mainstream vehicle. Even the local Alfa dealer didn't have the window in stock because not many of my type of car were made, so I have to wait.

And so the date. Unfortunately, as much as I want to tell you everything that happened (It was so nice, all the way through), I can't.
I made the mistake of letting slip the fact that I had a blog other then the one he had already seen. (My other blog is a family safe collection of pictures from my travels abroad and my first two bodybuilding comps).
So anyway, he knows that this blog exists. And he freaked out. Not in an aggressive way just in a subtle 'thats fucking with my head' kinda way... So I promised I wouldn't blog about him or our date.

Which makes me think. Now that I know his reaction about the blog would not telling him have been the right thing? I wonder what the other guys I write about on my blog would think if they knew their sexual encounters were being documented? (Although there is one guy who's written about here and reads the blog...;-P)
Was telling this guy a mistake? It certainly changed what happened at the end of the night.... but would not telling him have been even more dishonest?
Im sure these guys talk about me to their friends, so isn't my sharing with you guys just like that? I mean, all you guys are my pals aren't ya? heehehe
Just makes me think.... What do you guys think??

Busted!!....By my own honesty....

2007-01-08T11:00:00.000+11:00

Bitch and Moan...

2007-01-06T12:42:00.000+11:00

WARNING!! ** To all those who like to come and read sexy, upbeat recounts of my life....this is not one of them MAJOR bitching ahead** Stop reading now if this isn't your thing....>>

Argh!! Ill make this short. I need to get this off my sore heaving chest. Im sick. My ears tingle, my chest is heavy and swallowing anything is like swallowing razor blades.... urgh. All I need is a good night sleep and Ill be fine, rested and well again.
Which is why I went to bed early to sleep long throught the night...until I was woken by my car alarm at 1.30am....

This is what those bastards did to my car!! My poor baby. Where the big hole and all the wires are is where my automatic flip out touch screen interface was. So no music and no DVDs, but because I had the entire cars (slightly modified hehehehe) engine management systems controlled through the touch screen the car itself doesn't work very well at all! And I can't decactivate the alarm because they ripped out all of the fusses and the wiring harness for the security system which backended into the engine managment system.
So Im pissed. And sick. And grumpy.

But I have my date tonight, so somehow it all seems okay. ;-) (BTW, he called me to see how I was.... just checking up on me :-D)

Bits and Pieces...

2007-01-04T20:24:00.000+11:00

Short notes today:

1) Has anybody seen Christopher Knight (aka Peter Brady) as seen on the Real Life (VH1) is a HUNK! I mean a real, melt in my shorts, give me a piece of that actions STUD!! Check him out....see the goods that old man is packing. Abs, chest and arms...its all lean buff and bulky smooth and tan. YUM!

2) I have a date. Tehehehe

Home on the range (concluded)....

2007-01-03T17:10:00.000+11:00

Ground work set, we return to Home Nightclub..... I've been there long enough to catch up with my mates and get into a groove moving to the music.
Through the crowd I see a hot dude, staring at his shirtless torso I soak in his hot body, dark tan, smooth skin....only to notice him moving closer.... my eyes finally make there way to his face and I recognize him as a friend of a friend and a dude that I always say gday to when we see each other... You know, cordial and nice. He asks how I am, where I've been, how Im enjoying myself.... I ask what he did for New Years and what parties he's done. Just the usual friendly stuff.
The truth is I have a major crush on this guy. But Ive always thought that he was way out of my league, this guy is one of those mainstream gays - an uber-gay. He acts masculine but he's tanned and waxed and knows everybody who's anybody, friends with all the DJ's who wave at him from behind the decks.... connected and hot and smart and friendly. In the gay world, Im more abstract, edgy and extreme. Plus my appearance and disappearance into and out of the scene every couple of months means Im always an outsider. I like being an outsider, its what I do. Who I am. So thats why I thought this guy was being nice. Because I hang with dudes he knows, he was just being nice and chit-chatting with me.
I didn't mind. As long as he talks to me. Im happy. These flickering meetings in noisy nightclubs have been happening for ages... nearly as long as Ive been out in the clubs. They usually just tail off as more people move through and we each go off chatting with other people. But not this time.
We've done the nice stuff....and we're still all dancing in a big crowd. He leans in to me and says: "I think we need to go upstairs or down?" Wow. He's pulling me away from the group. Excitement builds.
We move to another part of the nightclub....we make our way through a crowd and he reaches back and grabs my hand to hold as we move through the crowd. (And as much as I crush on this guy, being dragged by my hand still aggravates me and my dominant personality which has an aversion to being so physically submissive, but we can deal with that later.)

So dancing and grooving the night moves on. Soon I direct him out to the balcony as we move through the crowd (he lets me lead through the crowd most of the time. When he's in front he grabs for my hand, I grab his jeans and hold onto his belt sticking my hand down the crack of his ass.... we dont get separated and I feel less submissive. We don't need to explore my issues right now.)
We stand on the terrace and chat and grove to the music. He asks lots of questions and I do most of the talking. I hate it when this happens because I never realise its happening until after the conversation. I spend most of the time talking about myself. I always negate to ask the other guy questions because I always feel like Im invading his space and being nosy.... Soon I realise tho and I say to him:
"Your getting to know so much about me, but I still don't know much about you!"
"I wonder why that is??" He retorts, raising his eyebrow.
"Oh, so you want me to drag it out of you?"
So the questions and answer session begins.... he wanted to feel like I was interested. Which I was, but wasn't showing it. Turns out that he DJs too.... you see I would have expected that when he found out I DJed that he would say "Oh, I DJ too!" But he didn't. He waited to be asked directly. Thats cool, I get the whole situation now.
So back and forth we chat. We're making jokes and getting real chummy. The occasional hand on the shoulder, hug of support, not full on groppy contact that I would usually go for. Something more respectful and polite.
Through our joking I made a comment of the fact that Id never seen him...ummmm.....not in his disco happy place.... He takes a moment and stares at the ceiling, as if recalling each of our meetings and thinking about his state of mind at the time. He smiles and looks back at me.... "Yes, you have"
"When?"
"When I served you a red bull at Gilligans. You had short hair then."
You know that moment in a movie where they reveal the twist at the end and then everything before it all of a sudden locks into place and you realise that you've know it all along but just not seen it?? (Like at the end of The 6th Sense where they flash back through all the scenes that gave you clues...) That happened in my mind. Id only ever been to Gilligans once. And Id always had a really strong sense that Id met this guy before, before all the times in the clubs...like we had met somewhere else.
Then he says that. From all those years ago.... he remembered me, he remembered my drink, he remembered my hair and how much I had changed. We're talking 6 years ago.
I remember it because it was such a moment in my life. My first crush. I was so gobsmacked by that guy behind the bar. I had played that scene in my head so many times afterwards. So many times I'd thought about him and his smile and what I did or didn't do....
And here I was, 6 years later with that guy right in front of me. And what was really blowing my mind....he remembered me. From that brief encounter....one of a hundred he would of had that night... he remembered. I still can't believe I didn't recognise him.
I wasn't going to fuck up again..... "Can I have your number?" I ask, reaching for my mobile.
"Why?" He responded coyly. "You never fuck anyone more then once anyway."
Ah yes, my honesty had gotten in the way yet again. Somewhere in the conversation we had been discussing our differences when it came down to sexual activities.... And really, they don't get much more divergent then between me and him. He is Vanilla, down the line. Prefers anal to oral but reportedly give the most amazing blow job.
I on the other hand...am not vanilla. Not even close. But it was during this conversation that he realised that I hadn't had a relationship. Just to make sure he understood who he was dealing with I let him know my one fuck habit.
So here we were, me asking for his number.
"Why would you need my number if we are only going to fuck once?"
Bombshell time. "Because I can't sleep with you tonight."
Shocked look, brow frowns...he takes a step back.
You see here's the fun bit. Being a natural bodybuilder you need to harness the power of your own testosterone... one extreme way is to cycle. That means taking periods of abstinence followed by periods of intense activity. It confuses the hypothalamus into producing more testosterone then your body would normally. Ive effectivly raised my T levels using this method from what my doctor refers to as "Borderline Abnormally Low" to "Excessive". Yay me. Im a stud. (So you guys now know why I start talking about old stories for a period then all of a sudden its new guy after new guy....) Downside? I had to stand there and turn this fuking stud down.
Its only when your explaining this stuff aloud to someone that you realise how ridiculous things are. Im mean who the fuck is going to believe this bulshit!?!
"Sounds like an excuse to me..." He turns away.
I pause a moment and realise that there is nothing I can say that could possibly sound anything other then the complete ranting of a game player. FUCK.
We manage to move past this and later he asks: "Do you have a problem with beer breath?"
"Huh?"
"Do you have a problem with beer breath? Because I want to kiss you."
I grab the nape of his neck and pull his mouth to mine. Lips to lips we softly begin. Tongues leap and suddenly we are deep in an embrace. I pull him closer to me, standing my feet between his. Instantly my cock is ROCK hard (because dear readers, we are talking about complete abstinence. For 7 day periods... You all can read the last time I came from my post last Friday) so my dick gets hard. And my balls hurt. And he notices straight away and grinds his cock into mine. Instant head swelling pleasure. His eyes widen, he realises just how much is going on down there.... and he get its. Im not dogging him to play games, or because I don't like him. He believes me, the truth is in the reaction. I wanted him so bad. And now he knew it.
Again we kiss, softer this time. Less of a pash and more of a kiss. Gentle and caring, on the lips and check. Its nice, its soothing.
Back to dancing we go. We have a great night. Dancing and grooving. For some reason I don't dance with him the same as I would a usual catch. If I was hot for a guy, and he was in for it we would be dancing crotch to crotch rubbing and gyrating close together. Friction building and heat exchanged. We'd kiss deep and hard and slutty. For me dancing with guy was different. I didn't feel a barrier nor did I feel uncomfortable. When we would exchange words we would move in close and grab each others shoulders to bring them in closer so we could speak into their ear. But then we would separate again. Weird. We continued to make eye contact and smile and have a great time.
He became quite concerned with how I was towards the end of the party. Always asking how I was and if I was okay.... as a drug free dude I do tend to crash as morning approaches. My stamina just goes and it shows on my face.
He was a sweetheart and a gentleman. Of course I was fine, but approaching my limits. We walk down towards the main dance space. His arm around my should, mine around his.
"So what are we going to do?" He asks. "You can't cum and we're not compatible?"
"I think we can find a middle road." I responded. "I want to call you during the week. And ask you on a date for next weekend. I want to do it right." I added.
"I thought you don't date." Was his response.
"Well, it would be my first." Which is the truth. I've never actually asked or been asked out for a date. He smiled and laughed a bit.
"What? Isn't that how its done? Don't people date?" I ask, genuinely confused as to how these things work. I think in hindsight he was just laughing at my stumbling through these new experiences.
"No, thats fine. That would be just fine."
Shortly after the music changed and lost me completely. And that was it. The last of my energy was gone and it was time for my 2 hour drive home.
We kissed good bye. It was a tender kiss. I hugged him and desperately wanted to stay. Hold him longer. Hug him tighter.
But I left.

So now here I am. At the end of what turns out to be a post that belongs on Single in the City wondering if I should call him now? Or would that be too soon, too eager? Should I call him later, closer to the weekend? Should I call him at all or would an SMS be a less risky choice? What should we do, where to go? I don't want to call him and have no suggestions at all...
Im a smart, successful and in charge 24 year old (did you'all notice the age change? Im older now hehehe) I should have this kind of thing sorted out by now!!
I hate being out of control, out of my comfort zone. Id feel much more comfortable tying him to a sling and torturing his nipples while he hangs blindfolded and immobilized dripping precum as his body jerks and reacts to my touch..... but would that make me happy?

Synthetic Ego

It is done...

At the gym...

Quit and at home...

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my! Part three

Hitting the wall....

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my! Part Deux

Meanwhile...

Muscle, lycra and bondage...oh my!

So by the grace of god....

Missing out of action

I made it!! Im IN!!!

Another Successfull Blogger event

I got an APARTMENT!!!

Looking for the easier way...

Fucked up night...

Bingo!!

Weirdness....

Ah, the old days.....

So to my weekend....

I nearly fell off...

Kicked in the teeth....

Can you hear the screaming??....

Unnatural somethings.....

But what *about* the kids??.....

Indulgence...

Reflections on my previous post...

The kiss to awaken the beast....

Over full....

Watch the Ego....

Hi, Im Narcissus

Taking a deep breath....

Its a sell out!

Another one bites the dust...

Big thanks....

Dissapearing act....

One down....

A quick tease....

One week to go....

Changing times and changing faces....

Realisations....

Hehehehe.....

Google me this....?

Responses from the Employment sector....

Long weekend of relaxation...

Job update...

Movement on the train...

Updates...

Comming up for air...

Good taste?.......

Doh!!!

Thanks and an Update...

I'm Nervous....

Big thanks....

Do you think she knows?....

Playing with some All American BEEF (Concluded)....

Things that make me smile....

Playing with some All American BEEF....

The Love affair continues....

Busted!!!

What to do when your not getting any....

Lost blogger reporting in....

The week after the morning before the night after...

Azure in retrospect (beyond the politics)...

Classic call of the day....

Brash decisions and ultimate regrets...

The Azure Reaction...

here.

Narcissus gets kicked out of a gym.... (AKA Miami Beatdown)

Ahhhh Venting is FUN!!!

Crushing news....

Happy Birthday To SyntheticEgo

Bad mood....

Listen in Dancing Fiends!!

Muscled laugh...

So god damn Inconsiderate!!!

Psychic Premonitions

Weekend Playtime....Guy Three...(Concluded)

What are these people thinking of???

Weekend Playtime....Guy Three

But what about the kids??.....