Synthetic Ego

Home on the range (concluded)....

Ground work set, we return to Home Nightclub..... I've been there long enough to catch up with my mates and get into a groove moving to the music.
Through the crowd I see a hot dude, staring at his shirtless torso I soak in his hot body, dark tan, smooth skin....only to notice him moving closer.... my eyes finally make there way to his face and I recognize him as a friend of a friend and a dude that I always say gday to when we see each other... You know, cordial and nice. He asks how I am, where I've been, how Im enjoying myself.... I ask what he did for New Years and what parties he's done. Just the usual friendly stuff.
The truth is I have a major crush on this guy. But Ive always thought that he was way out of my league, this guy is one of those mainstream gays - an uber-gay. He acts masculine but he's tanned and waxed and knows everybody who's anybody, friends with all the DJ's who wave at him from behind the decks.... connected and hot and smart and friendly. In the gay world, Im more abstract, edgy and extreme. Plus my appearance and disappearance into and out of the scene every couple of months means Im always an outsider. I like being an outsider, its what I do. Who I am. So thats why I thought this guy was being nice. Because I hang with dudes he knows, he was just being nice and chit-chatting with me.
I didn't mind. As long as he talks to me. Im happy. These flickering meetings in noisy nightclubs have been happening for ages... nearly as long as Ive been out in the clubs. They usually just tail off as more people move through and we each go off chatting with other people. But not this time.
We've done the nice stuff....and we're still all dancing in a big crowd. He leans in to me and says: "I think we need to go upstairs or down?" Wow. He's pulling me away from the group. Excitement builds.
We move to another part of the nightclub....we make our way through a crowd and he reaches back and grabs my hand to hold as we move through the crowd. (And as much as I crush on this guy, being dragged by my hand still aggravates me and my dominant personality which has an aversion to being so physically submissive, but we can deal with that later.)

So dancing and grooving the night moves on. Soon I direct him out to the balcony as we move through the crowd (he lets me lead through the crowd most of the time. When he's in front he grabs for my hand, I grab his jeans and hold onto his belt sticking my hand down the crack of his ass.... we dont get separated and I feel less submissive. We don't need to explore my issues right now.)
We stand on the terrace and chat and grove to the music. He asks lots of questions and I do most of the talking. I hate it when this happens because I never realise its happening until after the conversation. I spend most of the time talking about myself. I always negate to ask the other guy questions because I always feel like Im invading his space and being nosy.... Soon I realise tho and I say to him:
"Your getting to know so much about me, but I still don't know much about you!"
"I wonder why that is??" He retorts, raising his eyebrow.
"Oh, so you want me to drag it out of you?"
So the questions and answer session begins.... he wanted to feel like I was interested. Which I was, but wasn't showing it. Turns out that he DJs too.... you see I would have expected that when he found out I DJed that he would say "Oh, I DJ too!" But he didn't. He waited to be asked directly. Thats cool, I get the whole situation now.
So back and forth we chat. We're making jokes and getting real chummy. The occasional hand on the shoulder, hug of support, not full on groppy contact that I would usually go for. Something more respectful and polite.
Through our joking I made a comment of the fact that Id never seen him...ummmm.....not in his disco happy place.... He takes a moment and stares at the ceiling, as if recalling each of our meetings and thinking about his state of mind at the time. He smiles and looks back at me.... "Yes, you have"
"When?"
"When I served you a red bull at Gilligans. You had short hair then."
You know that moment in a movie where they reveal the twist at the end and then everything before it all of a sudden locks into place and you realise that you've know it all along but just not seen it?? (Like at the end of The 6th Sense where they flash back through all the scenes that gave you clues...) That happened in my mind. Id only ever been to Gilligans once. And Id always had a really strong sense that Id met this guy before, before all the times in the clubs...like we had met somewhere else.
Then he says that. From all those years ago.... he remembered me, he remembered my drink, he remembered my hair and how much I had changed. We're talking 6 years ago.
I remember it because it was such a moment in my life. My first crush. I was so gobsmacked by that guy behind the bar. I had played that scene in my head so many times afterwards. So many times I'd thought about him and his smile and what I did or didn't do....
And here I was, 6 years later with that guy right in front of me. And what was really blowing my mind....he remembered me. From that brief encounter....one of a hundred he would of had that night... he remembered. I still can't believe I didn't recognise him.
I wasn't going to fuck up again..... "Can I have your number?" I ask, reaching for my mobile.
"Why?" He responded coyly. "You never fuck anyone more then once anyway."
Ah yes, my honesty had gotten in the way yet again. Somewhere in the conversation we had been discussing our differences when it came down to sexual activities.... And really, they don't get much more divergent then between me and him. He is Vanilla, down the line. Prefers anal to oral but reportedly give the most amazing blow job.
I on the other hand...am not vanilla. Not even close. But it was during this conversation that he realised that I hadn't had a relationship. Just to make sure he understood who he was dealing with I let him know my one fuck habit.
So here we were, me asking for his number.
"Why would you need my number if we are only going to fuck once?"
Bombshell time. "Because I can't sleep with you tonight."
Shocked look, brow frowns...he takes a step back.
You see here's the fun bit. Being a natural bodybuilder you need to harness the power of your own testosterone... one extreme way is to cycle. That means taking periods of abstinence followed by periods of intense activity. It confuses the hypothalamus into producing more testosterone then your body would normally. Ive effectivly raised my T levels using this method from what my doctor refers to as "Borderline Abnormally Low" to "Excessive". Yay me. Im a stud. (So you guys now know why I start talking about old stories for a period then all of a sudden its new guy after new guy....) Downside? I had to stand there and turn this fuking stud down.
Its only when your explaining this stuff aloud to someone that you realise how ridiculous things are. Im mean who the fuck is going to believe this bulshit!?!
"Sounds like an excuse to me..." He turns away.
I pause a moment and realise that there is nothing I can say that could possibly sound anything other then the complete ranting of a game player. FUCK.
We manage to move past this and later he asks: "Do you have a problem with beer breath?"
"Huh?"
"Do you have a problem with beer breath? Because I want to kiss you."
I grab the nape of his neck and pull his mouth to mine. Lips to lips we softly begin. Tongues leap and suddenly we are deep in an embrace. I pull him closer to me, standing my feet between his. Instantly my cock is ROCK hard (because dear readers, we are talking about complete abstinence. For 7 day periods... You all can read the last time I came from my post last Friday) so my dick gets hard. And my balls hurt. And he notices straight away and grinds his cock into mine. Instant head swelling pleasure. His eyes widen, he realises just how much is going on down there.... and he get its. Im not dogging him to play games, or because I don't like him. He believes me, the truth is in the reaction. I wanted him so bad. And now he knew it.
Again we kiss, softer this time. Less of a pash and more of a kiss. Gentle and caring, on the lips and check. Its nice, its soothing.
Back to dancing we go. We have a great night. Dancing and grooving. For some reason I don't dance with him the same as I would a usual catch. If I was hot for a guy, and he was in for it we would be dancing crotch to crotch rubbing and gyrating close together. Friction building and heat exchanged. We'd kiss deep and hard and slutty. For me dancing with guy was different. I didn't feel a barrier nor did I feel uncomfortable. When we would exchange words we would move in close and grab each others shoulders to bring them in closer so we could speak into their ear. But then we would separate again. Weird. We continued to make eye contact and smile and have a great time.
He became quite concerned with how I was towards the end of the party. Always asking how I was and if I was okay.... as a drug free dude I do tend to crash as morning approaches. My stamina just goes and it shows on my face.
He was a sweetheart and a gentleman. Of course I was fine, but approaching my limits. We walk down towards the main dance space. His arm around my should, mine around his.
"So what are we going to do?" He asks. "You can't cum and we're not compatible?"
"I think we can find a middle road." I responded. "I want to call you during the week. And ask you on a date for next weekend. I want to do it right." I added.
"I thought you don't date." Was his response.
"Well, it would be my first." Which is the truth. I've never actually asked or been asked out for a date. He smiled and laughed a bit.
"What? Isn't that how its done? Don't people date?" I ask, genuinely confused as to how these things work. I think in hindsight he was just laughing at my stumbling through these new experiences.
"No, thats fine. That would be just fine."
Shortly after the music changed and lost me completely. And that was it. The last of my energy was gone and it was time for my 2 hour drive home.
We kissed good bye. It was a tender kiss. I hugged him and desperately wanted to stay. Hold him longer. Hug him tighter.
But I left.

So now here I am. At the end of what turns out to be a post that belongs on Single in the City wondering if I should call him now? Or would that be too soon, too eager? Should I call him later, closer to the weekend? Should I call him at all or would an SMS be a less risky choice? What should we do, where to go? I don't want to call him and have no suggestions at all...
Im a smart, successful and in charge 24 year old (did you'all notice the age change? Im older now hehehe) I should have this kind of thing sorted out by now!!
I hate being out of control, out of my comfort zone. Id feel much more comfortable tying him to a sling and torturing his nipples while he hangs blindfolded and immobilized dripping precum as his body jerks and reacts to my touch..... but would that make me happy?

posted by NarcissusAU @ 5:10 PM