Synthetic Ego

Fucked up night...

Okay, yesterday was a bad day.  We discussed it in the office as we were all waiting for the elevators, everyone in my section had a bad day.  Various reasons, no relations...it was a negative moon or something.
 
So I headed off to the gym thinking that a solid (Hard ass) Hams and Gluts workout would cheer me up.  I had an awesome workout (I am soooo motherfuking sore today!!) had excellent cardio and got all the equipment I wanted when I wanted it.  I even smashed my abs, and I mean pulverised them. 
 
At the end of all that, I was heading back up to the station when a shadow catches my eye.  A girl, no older then 15 or so sitting on the front steps of a building facing onto the street.
I tend to notice everyone around me at this time of night (paranoid much?) but thought that this girl sitting there was slightly off.  As I got closer I started to see something smeared all over her hands and arms.  Closer still I realised that it was dripping off her fingers onto the footpath. Closer still I realised that she was slashing her arms with a razor blade, she was self-mutilating.
 
Ah huh....see ya.
 
I kept walking, sucking in deep breaths.  I have a major blood phobia.  Major.  And this girls was covered in it and smearing it all around.  I kept walking and breathing, I got to the end of the next block and pulled out my mobile to call Triple 0 (the Australian emergency number, like 911 or 999) I reported the girl to the ambulance service and the operator was so a) professional and nice and b) really, really thankful that I called.
 
I ended the call and then down I went.
I know, I know...I sound like a pussy.  I don't know where it comes from or what its linked to, but sometimes it just hits me.  (And not consistently either...eg I can watch surgery on the discovery channel no problems, the goriest of operations.  But watching someone get a cholesterol or diabetes pin prick test, bad news)
So anyway, I'm sitting on the ground propped against a fence with my head heavy in my hands and the world spinning.  Sweat running down my forehead. 
And there I stayed, until the world stood still and I could stand up again.
 
Away I went to catch my train.  Until I got to the station and just felt so guilty about leaving that girl there by herself. I understand self-mutilation and the power it can have.
I decided to go back.  By the time I got to the street I felt a little embarrassed at making the call.  In front of my on the street were 5 police cars slowly trawling the kerbs looking for this girl.  It was a big scene, that my phone call had created.
 
I waved down one of the police cars and they wound down their window.  I introduced myself as the guy who made the call.  They asked me about where I had seen here and a more detailed description. 
They said they had found the blood on the kerb and a blade, but not the girl.  I said I was sorry I couldn't hang around to watch on her while help arrived for her but the Police said that making a call was more then most would do.  
I feel as though I should have stayed.  The police say I should be proud of what I did, and could have stopped her from going too far...
I think I should have stayed.  But then I know they would have been calling the ambulance for me.
 
I hope she finds the help she needs.  I hope she finds the peace inside herself she needs to escape the cycle of self mutilation. 
 

posted by NarcissusAU @ 2:28 PM