Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fucked up night...

Okay, yesterday was a bad day.  We discussed it in the office as we were all waiting for the elevators, everyone in my section had a bad day.  Various reasons, no was a negative moon or something.
So I headed off to the gym thinking that a solid (Hard ass) Hams and Gluts workout would cheer me up.  I had an awesome workout (I am soooo motherfuking sore today!!) had excellent cardio and got all the equipment I wanted when I wanted it.  I even smashed my abs, and I mean pulverised them. 
At the end of all that, I was heading back up to the station when a shadow catches my eye.  A girl, no older then 15 or so sitting on the front steps of a building facing onto the street.
I tend to notice everyone around me at this time of night (paranoid much?) but thought that this girl sitting there was slightly off.  As I got closer I started to see something smeared all over her hands and arms.  Closer still I realised that it was dripping off her fingers onto the footpath. Closer still I realised that she was slashing her arms with a razor blade, she was self-mutilating.
Ah huh....see ya.
I kept walking, sucking in deep breaths.  I have a major blood phobia.  Major.  And this girls was covered in it and smearing it all around.  I kept walking and breathing, I got to the end of the next block and pulled out my mobile to call Triple 0 (the Australian emergency number, like 911 or 999) I reported the girl to the ambulance service and the operator was so a) professional and nice and b) really, really thankful that I called.
I ended the call and then down I went.
I know, I know...I sound like a pussy.  I don't know where it comes from or what its linked to, but sometimes it just hits me.  (And not consistently I can watch surgery on the discovery channel no problems, the goriest of operations.  But watching someone get a cholesterol or diabetes pin prick test, bad news)
So anyway, I'm sitting on the ground propped against a fence with my head heavy in my hands and the world spinning.  Sweat running down my forehead. 
And there I stayed, until the world stood still and I could stand up again.
Away I went to catch my train.  Until I got to the station and just felt so guilty about leaving that girl there by herself. I understand self-mutilation and the power it can have.
I decided to go back.  By the time I got to the street I felt a little embarrassed at making the call.  In front of my on the street were 5 police cars slowly trawling the kerbs looking for this girl.  It was a big scene, that my phone call had created.
I waved down one of the police cars and they wound down their window.  I introduced myself as the guy who made the call.  They asked me about where I had seen here and a more detailed description. 
They said they had found the blood on the kerb and a blade, but not the girl.  I said I was sorry I couldn't hang around to watch on her while help arrived for her but the Police said that making a call was more then most would do.  
I feel as though I should have stayed.  The police say I should be proud of what I did, and could have stopped her from going too far...
I think I should have stayed.  But then I know they would have been calling the ambulance for me.
I hope she finds the help she needs.  I hope she finds the peace inside herself she needs to escape the cycle of self mutilation. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2007



(Deleted under the kind guidence and recomendation of Superdrewby, who continues to keep me in line and out of harms way ;-D, thanks dude.)

I guess I just wasn't thinking with my head... well at least not the one on my shoulders...

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Sitting at my desk this morning my private mobile phone rings.  My phone practically never rings, its often non-stop with SMS messages but never rings.
I spent a moment staring at it with a "Why are you ringing?" look on my face before picking it up and answering.
The guy on the other end had a thick accent but what I did pick up were the terms "Gaydar Message" and "fisting". 
He said it must have been a wrong number.  But what are the chances of a wrong number resulting in some gay guy, who also uses gaydar calling me?
It started to freak me out!  Who was giving out my mobile?  Was it a joke or something more vexatious?  What if my number had gotten out and people were going to keep calling me!?! What if people found out!?! What if.... oh, that's right.  I don't give a shit anymore. 
I don't have to protect my big, bad secret anymore.... so it doesn't actually matter.
I wonder if that guy was hot?

Ah, the old days.....

Notice I didn't say 'good' old days?  I don't know why, but this morning I had a recollection. 
It probably had something todo with the retro music I had playing on my Ipod this morning (Remember those "Shiny Disco Balls"?).
I just remember being soooo stressed about work, back in the days I was saving the family company from the brink, that dancing on that Shift dance floor I would suddenly get a rush of memories about everything that was going on. Lawyers, accountants, debt collectors, ATO tax auditors, psychopath ex-directors who would stalk me.  A paranoid, what happens if....the world collapsing was always a possibility.

I would dance there, in the disco lights surrounded by great guys.  Shoulder to shoulder, sharing sweat but the thoughts of the people and issues of my company would swirl in my head so hard, so fast and so vividly it was always like I was dancing on that floor with a buffer surrounding me.  Like everyone was dancing on the other side of the room, and only I was dancing over here.
I remember being that stressed.  I'm not anymore, and I thank the universe everyday.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

So to my weekend....

Oh yes.  My big, sexy weekend..... Dud.
I was planning to his the city on Saturday. Workout at City, eat, bodyline...easy.
Bad.  It rained.  Now don't be thinking that I'm some pussy dude, afraid of getting his hair wet.  It RAINED!!  Like "I'm sure there used to be a road where that RIVER is..." or "The rain broke my umbrella..." kind of rain.
And you have to realise that the drive to my emerald city is long and fast, neither work well in the heavy heavy rain....So I postponed... Until Sunday.
Sunday I had an awesome workout at Citygym.  I ran into two of my mates, one of whom I have known for as long as I've been playing it gay, the other is a newer acquaintance who I had fun with once (the American I wrote about on here a couple of months ago) but I really want to get better acquainted with (he is so damn sexy!).
*Spaced out, drooling slightly at thought of the American...*
Okay, Im back..... it was a great workout.  Bis and Tris so it was a long one, 2 and a bit hours in total.  I'm exhausted covered in sweat and totally ready for bodyline.
I head up, check in and strip down.
I walk around and instantly there are 4 guys who look good to me, and I look good to them.... (I love it when that happens- there is a reason I'm call Narcissus!!). 
Anyway, its time to choose....its a bit early but the meats on offer and Im ready to play.  So naturally I choose the biggest one.  And this guy was big, European big.  Like 6' 5 and chunky, not defined but very middle block I worked on a farm so I grew big and strong kinda big....
Wham, this guy is in a room and I start kissing him.  Oh no, please no..... this guy can't kiss.  Turns out this guy can do very little.  
I wanted a guy with muscles, what I got was a guy who's muscles cut off the blood flow to his brain.  Damn.  We played and romped as best we could, he enjoyed himself....And I was getting off on working this guy over and watching his eyes roll in his head....
Then I made him cum as he shivered and shook.... that was delicious, and he cam a bucket load which I totally GET.  That's hot.
In his broken english he tries to understand why I don't want to cum....I told him I would later.  Because really, I was early and I wasn't going to do this for the first time in months so soon, over some guy who really - just didn't do it for me.
So back into the darkness I went, and that's where I stayed....until it was time to leave.  Grrrrr
And then yesterday, with that guy, in the spandex, at the gym....oh damn.
But if there is one thing I am good at, it is getting what I want.  No matter how long I have to wait for it.

I nearly fell off...

Holy cow.  Oh my god.  Agghhhhhh!!!
Today I was at the gym (great workout, fantastic pump awesome and friendly vibe the whole time) I was on the cross trainer for my post workout cardio and just chopping along as I do.

Earlier that night I had watched a crowd gather around the spin studio (full of stationary bikes) then file into the room to start their group exercise.  The reason it had caught my attention was the two personal trainers who were also milling around waiting to also participate in the class.  The reason I noticed them was because they were a) male and b) wearing full body spandex.
Bike shorts and tight sleeveless tops.  Serious biking gear, not the stuff you get out of a Californian Muscle catalogue.  Yum I thought but moved on...

Back to me on the cross trainer.... The studio was emptying and I knew the class was over.  Then out of the corner of my eye one of the trainers came into view walking up the 4 steps upto the cardio floor.... He had stripped off the sleeveless top and was not wearing the bicycle shorts I first thought, but cycling singlet! Oh my God.  Tight spandex stretching from around his massively bulging thighs smoothly running up and stretching out around his massively pert and delicious bubble butt that just wouldn't quit, pulling in tight around his narrow waist and contouring his tight pelvic 'v' and hugging his bulging and amply pushed forward package.  Up the spandex continued to stretch pulled tight around his torso hugging his abs and straining around the wide sweep of his back, showing every valley and mound of muscle in his rapturous back.  It was a singlet so the straps held tightly to his shoulders cutting in slightly to his oversized rounded shoulders and thick traps.  The cut out at the front of the singlet went all the way down past his second row of abs.  His pendulous pecs pushed out the straps and left a gap between the stretched thin material and the first rows of abs...

He has a light middle eastern look to him, like Egyptian or Peruvian.  Handsome, young and confident.  I nearly fell off my cross trainer.


I gripped the handles tighter and took a deep breath, this guy had kick started my libido... I was all of a sudden HOT.  My machine beeped: "Slow Down!  High Heart rate..... Slow Down!  High Heart Rate..." streamed across the display.... If only it knew!


He walked over to the stretching area.  Okay this is where is gets hard.  Yep, I was hard, his muscles were hard but the things he did when stretching are even harder to explain.  Lets just say he put his leg up on a bar the height of his shoulder leant in and hugged his leg in front of him... His delicious ass bulging and stretching the spandex.  He proceeded to twist and hang and stretch all of his body on display muscles tight, taught and covered in sweat.


Ha ha ha, Im stuck on a train and fuking need to jerk off real bad, right now.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Kicked in the teeth....

Well, I should be writing about my weekend in the city.  But I reeeeealy don't feel like it.  Its been on HELL of a morning at work and I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.
An email that I put together for distribution to the whole Sydney building has been ripped to S.H.R.E.D.S!  (And not in a pre-contest bodybuilder kinda way).
And I think the worse part is that, really...I knew it didn't look right.  I just didn't take the time to actually make a decision if I should send it or not. 
But that just means hard lesson learnt and I can move on.  I just hope there isn't too much fall out from this....
Today is a sad day.  I hope my workout goes well...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Can you hear the screaming??....

Can you hear them?  Can you hear the screams?
That's my libido curled up in the corner, rocking slightly.... whimpering.  Guess what I didn't do this weekend? 
But really, it wasn't a hard choice.  When I arrived my whole crew had already assembled on the dance floor with the American DJ spinning at the decks. 
The music, oh my...the music.  Heavy New York style trance, my favourite. 
So I had to decide; play the games and go on the hunt or stay on the dance floor and dance till the sunrise.  I'm not moving from the dance floor!
The music won over my need to fuck, but the music gave me everything I needed for the night. 
Some cool things that did happen tho:
I got recognised!!  A really tall dude (who I think was Daniel?? I'm sorry if that's not your name dude, but now you gotta introduce yourself....) he was like "hey, I read your blog!"  and I was all like "......thanks?...." trying to act all nonchalant about it but inside I was a) shocked as hell!  Speechless.  I really hadn't thought it would happen. b) squealing like 6 year old girl.  How cool is that!!
Anyway, I couldn't stand around and chat with the dude...I was heading to the head.  All that dancing and drinking water... hmmm.
Secondly, I got into this really long...really interesting conversation with a guy who was kinda left of field, but hella interesting.  We chatted about a ton of stuff.  It was uber interesting and totally not what I expected from Indulgence.  We chatted about relationships, the nature of expectation and the source of the leather fetish...
He gave me his card, and said that I should choose to use it or not... I wanna keep in contact with him cause he was a cool dude.  But don't want to lead him on thinking that anything could happen other then friendship.... ah the delicate nature of man to man relationships of our fabulous gay life...

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Unnatural somethings.....

Apprantly Sue pointed me to this site a while ago. I don't know where she did it, I dont know when she did it but I stumbled accross her referencing the fact that she had recomended it on this dudes comments section... (Fuck! Okay! I was googling my own name...Its not called SyntheticEGO for no reason!)

Anyway, its called Unnatural Devotions and it is HOT. Capital H. Capital O Capital T. This guy has an unnatural talent for picking the HOTEST muscle out there. I better not ever meet this man in a nightclub, because we would be going after the same guys in the building, guarenteed!

I mean check this out...

Friday, June 08, 2007

But what *about* the kids??.....

Today on (via The Australian) Prime Minister John Howard again proves to us all how OLD he truly is.  Speaking out in response to the Victorian report on Lesbian access to IVF treatments.
Reported to say that having a heterosexual couple as the foundation of a family is best for children, "It gives children the best opportunity in life," (Yo John, you met Britney yet??)
Now I totally see where this comes from.  A place where familiarity breeds a comfort of unchallenged opinions.  But some opinions need challenging. 
I think we all know people who would make great parents, and we all know people who I wouldn't give a dog....and the magic thing is?  It has nothing to do with who they fuck.
Unlike a lot of other things in life (like intelligence, economic status, ability to fly) you can't judge someones' worth as a parent by seeing if they like to take it up the arse.
If this is a question of role models of either gender being available to the children, why don't we take the kids away from single parent families?  (Im not suggesting that we do!  Im just saying that its just as dumb as an idea)
You can spend a weekend in and around Oxford St and think that everything is okay.  But when you wake up sometime in the week you realise that as a social group of outcasts.  We gays have a long way to go.
And sometimes I wonder if we have what it takes to make the journey?

Thursday, June 07, 2007


I. Nearly. Forgot!
As the working masses here in Australia whittle away our week we look towards this weekend with an added sense of excitement.  The true Aussie tradition of a long weekend!! We don't have to return to work until Tuesday giving us all an extra 24 hours to relax, spend time with our families, clean the house...or party like monsters.
So after having my appetite wetted last weekend, I was trying to workout what to do and where to go to have a good weekend.  My friends are all going to Sounds on Sunday which is a dance music festival (but straight dance festivals are nowhere near as fun as the debauched parties our people throw) anyway, that was firming as an option until I got a phone message from a very good mate of mine.
"Hey Babe, Long time.  Indulgence.  This weekend.  Whole crew's going.  Its going to be big and messy."
(I added all the vowels back in so its easier to read)
My point is: INDULGENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My absolute favourite all time dark, sexy, sweaty, big boys and masculine men party!! Fuck man I am going to go OFFFFFF!!
Going to get big and messy?? Bloody Oath!
I've just started my heavy, heavy cycle of supplements (including testosterone builders) and I feel invincible.  Im not really worried about my now MIA 6-pack, because I feel like a TANK!  This is JUST the party to goto this weekend. 
The party gods have delivered.
Big and Messy.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Reflections on my previous post...

Now this may sound kinda strange, and totally absent minded, but I just realised:
a)   That was the first time my best mate (whom I came out to last year before Sleaze) had seen me with a guy - in that way.
b)   I hadn't even told the other girl-friend who was with us that I was gay.... I guess she knows now.
I just wonder how both of them reacted?  I didn't notice any difference when we were leaving.  I can't imagine it would be something they totally expected in front of them.
....Im just really glad that their first time watching me with another dude was with such an absolute muscle, ripped, smooth, Latin flavour dude...

The kiss to awaken the beast....

Like a fairytale begins....Once upon a time, there was a dude who competed in natural bodybuilding...
blah blah blah... until we get to the part where I'm in a nightclub having finally won my comps and are free from the shackles of diet and training to have some fun with my friends.
A familiar smile in the crowed appears as a one of the smoking hot guys I know appears across the croweded dance floor.  He smiles his recognition at me, I smile back at him... then he's gone.
Much later that night as my girls are sitting on the sidelines tugging at their high heels and planning our escape home we agree to leave.  I turn to leave when *bam* there he is standing in front of me. 
"Hey man how are you!" I say as we embrace in a hello hug.
He runs his hands over my smooth face, "You shaved your beard!"
"Your still Jesus tho" he says playing with my long hair.  He always called me Jesus.
"Its good to see you man, but were just heading off...Its good to see you again tho." 
"Good to see you too"  And with that he leans in for a good by kiss.  We kiss on the lips but he quickly pulls me closer as his tongue explores my mouth and this good bye kiss becomes a deep, wet and sexy embrace.
"Seya" I say, as I turn to the door.  I look back with a big smile on my face, I see him grinning ear to ear.
"That was nice..." I said to my girls as we break into the sunlight of the crisp morning air. 
And with that my beast had been awoken....And I need to get me some ass!!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Over full....

Wow, thanks guys!  Obviously you guys who read this blog got the significance of what I was doing.... I got busted up for being overly dramatic (thanks Brenton....) so I started to get worried that I was making something big of this, that wasn't really worthy.... but still in my head it was huge.
But the response has been HUGE, and I am nothing but humbled by the response. 
Thanks to all the guys (and girls...hey Sue!) who left comments and gave me some really big props.  What a love fest!!
But for now, I have something I need to do.  And its something I've been delaying and delaying for MONTHS!!  You know how sometimes you get sooooo tired that you don't really feel tired anymore?
And you know how sometime when you get so so so hungry you just get beyond hungry and don't feel like eating anymore?
Well, I Blogged about the last time I fucked.  Think how long ago THAT was.  Yup, Im soooo horny Im not even horny any more....
But I do know that when I get close to a guy who sparks my interest Im going to do something insanely stupid, probably dangerous and definitely unethical....
The boys downstairs want to play, and I don't think there is enough blood in my ever expanding body (already up 10kgs on contest weight) to run both my balls, cock and brain.
And its my brain that going to miss out.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Watch the Ego....

My mates and I were out on the town and having an absolute blinder of a good time.  It was a massive get together of bodybuilders and their support crews to celebrate the end of this season.  Massive.
We were going back to my car for a change of scenery to an Oxford St club when it happened....
With my friends off to one side I was waiting to use the ticket machine to pay the parking fee.  I noticed a group of four guys standing off to the side staring, pointing and whispering to each other... I was the obvious object of their discussions.  These tall, rather large men of middle eastern appearance were certainly catching our attention. 
My heart started to beat faster as I turned my to use the ticket machine, I could see out of the corner of my eye the body language of my two mates changed from being fairly relaxed to ready for anything.... I knew they had seen these guys too.
Finished with the ticket machine I pushed out my chest and squared my shoulders enlarging the visual impact of my frame, I turned from the machine to be faced by this group of men....
Big Guy 1: "Mate..."
Shit, I can't really ignore them....
Me:  "G'day", I was being friendly...
Big Guy 1: "You competed in Sydney last weekend didn't you?"
Big Guy 2: "Yeah, under 80s right?"
Me: "Yeah...that was me."  BIG sigh of relief!!
Big Guy 3: "We thought we recognised you..."
Big Guy 4: "I competed last year, you looked better this year!  You made some great improvements..."
And so it went on, chatting about comps and the fact that I nor any of my friends could remember which floor I had parked my car on....
Finally we went our separate ways...
Me:  "If you happen to see a Silver ***** on your way out honk, fuck knows where my car is!"
A few minutes later as we walk down yet another set of stairs looking for my car we hear a loud honk in the distance...Ah ha!!
Mate 1: "Did you see those guys?"
Mate 2: "I thought they were going to start something, I was getting ready to kick my shoes off!"
Mate 1: "Yeah, I was staring them down....but hows your ego now Mr Recognised-by-the-general-public Bodybuilder man?"
Oh yeah, that felt damn good....

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Hi, Im Narcissus

Let me introduce myself, I'm Narcissus....

Im a 24 year old guy living in Wollongong, Australia working in North Sydney and partying everywhere in between.

My passions surround being creative, striving for excellence and getting what I want.

I try to be friendly even though I have a natural distrust of people, Im usually happy and always smiling on the inside. Ill never be rude or agressive to someone's face, so if you catch me at the gym or around town give me a wave and say G'day. I would actually really like that.

I wanted to finally share with you all who I am, by showing my face Im stepping out and saying that I will not be afraid to be me. What I am and who I am and what I do and who I do it to are all 100% gunine, honest and me.

I am not embarrased by my life, I am not ashamed and all of the built in resons for wanting anoniminity no longer apply because I will no longer let them apply.

I am a 24 year old, Australian, Bodybuilding, Hard Working, Professional gay man. And I can now honestly say, I no longer have a problem with that.

It's time to start living with the honest me....

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